It's two short words that I find incredibly hard to utter sometimes. I think many people struggle to get the words out, especially when they aren't exactly sure what else they want to say. For me, I hate saying I'm sorry if I don't have my thoughts collected if I haven't sifted through all my feelings and prepared a long speech on why I'm so sorry.
It's so much easier to forgive than it is to apologize. Even when I've wanted to apologize, there's something about actually doing it that chokes me up a bit or that makes me feel timid. Maybe it's a pride thing- no one wants to feel small or stupid. Recently I've been thinking about how I like forgiving more than I do apologizing, which is odd considering it's ridiculously hard for me to forget a past transgression, no matter how much I want to. That got me to thinking about how others forgive.
When I've hurt someone, when I've been out of line, and I finally muster up the strength to apologize, do they forgive and forget? Are they like me and try their hardest to push the past into the back of their minds? Did they think it was a half-assed attempt? I think for many of us we can be kind of oblivious to the pain we cause others, even if we don't mean to do any harm. We can be even more oblivious to how people respond to our apologies or lack thereof.
I know I've hurt people; I'm not a perfect person. That's no excuse, it's just the truth- no one is perfect. We've all messed up many times before, we've betrayed people's trust, we've let people down, and the list can go on and on. I often wonder if I've given the proper apologies, though. I wonder if people felt my remorse if they accepted my "I'm sorry?"
To the people I've let down- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you high hopes just to let them crash and burn. I'm sorry I didn't carry my own weight.
To the people I've turned my back on- I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't stick by your side, that I didn't keep my promise to be there for you.
To the people I've been icy with- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you the cold shoulder, for making a biting remark when I was in a mood, for treating coldly and being distant. You didn't deserve that, not then and not ever.
To the people who forgave me- thank you. I'm sorry I gave you any reason to have to forgive me at all.