At some point in every student’s life, one must face the dreaded Group Project.

You, too, must overcome this ritualistic hell in order to continue through the ranks of College, towards the faintly glowing hopes of Graduation, eventually reaching the mysterious domains of Actual Career and Pretend Adulthood.

Although seemingly harmless in nature, the Group Project is not to be underestimated. It strikes fast and mercilessly. You must never lower your guard.

Luckily, this article -- stay tuned later for the sections How Could My Professor Let This Happen in the First Place: The Sadist behind the Podium and Think You Can Choose Your Own Group Members? Think Again! -- is here to help.

Some optimists/insufferable know-it-alls may claim that, with a positive attitude and leadership, you can conquer your group project assignment with ease and maybe even learn a thing or two along the way.

These are lies. There are no solutions to the Evils of Group Projects. That light at the end of the tunnel you think you see is a train of ignorance and it’s about to smack you upside the head. The best you can do is put on your best grimace, cling to thought that this will all be over soon, and hope upon hope you will never see these people again.

1. The Overachieving Honors Student

Quirks: Begins project the moment it is assigned, delegating all members complicated tasks. Texts you hourly, “just to check in.” Wait, is that seven missed calls? The project is due in four weeks so we need to turn it in tomorrow. All you have to do is procure the blood of a virgin in the light of the full moon, what’s taking you so long? Never mind, I couldn’t sleep last night so I did the thing. Great job, team!

Pro: Likelihood of an A.

Con: You begin to question whether or not you are Smart Or Good Enough For Higher Education.

Try: Either assert your independence and tell them to pipe down, or assume the position and Do Literally Nothing (see below).

2. Does Literally Nothing

Quirks: Does literally nothing. Scenario: you are assigned the topic of “planets” in a project with one other person. Your partner never answers your various pleas to meet up. You undergo the Five Stages of Grief until finally it’s the night before the project is due, and you have to construct the entire project yourself – essay, poster, and PowerPoint. When presenting the planets to the class, your partner’s sole contribution is to snigger when you say Uranus.

Pro: You can do everything the way you want.

Con: Anxiety, anger, frustration, denial, and potential hatred of humankind.

Try: Let your partner handle the professor’s questions at the end. Watch and enjoy the telltale squirm. Looks like Uranus is in trouble now, sir.

3. Unreliable Asshat

Quirks: Volunteers for a significant chunk of the work. Seems enthusiastic and energetic. Assures everyone that everything is going great. Never asks for help. Backs out the night before or the day of the project. Bonus points: A text message the morning of that says “Sorry guys, I can’t make it today. I’m really sick.”

Pro: TBD

Con: Showing up empty handed because Skippy is full of lies.

Try: If you figure something out, let me know.

4. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

Quirks: Masks complete ignorance by dominating all conversations, meetings, and presentations. The closer you listen, the more you realize everything they say is horribly incorrect. Difficult to tell if they actually believe the BS they are painting on, or if they are just enjoying the artistic process.

Pro: If you don’t listen and just kind of watch their face, they kind of have a point.

Con: If anyone’s actually listening anymore (debatable), your whole group looks like complete idiots (and you certainly don’t need any extra help in that department).

Try: Pressing your hand over their mouth. Works 3.5 out of 5 times.

5. Everything They Do Is Incorrect So You Have To Go Back And Fix It Constantly

Quirks: Self-explanatory, with the added component of you feeling bad for fixing their work because they’re generally a nice person who is trying hard but Who Just Doesn’t Get It. Author’s note: We’ve all been that person at some point.

Pro: At least someone is trying to keep this sinking ship afloat…

Con: …with all the wrong tools and equipment.

Try: Putting your head down on the desk in defeat. Repeat.

6. “She Doesn’t Even Go Here”

Quirks: Wasn’t there when the professor arbitrarily assigned groups. Hasn’t answered any of your emails or messages. Isn’t on Facebook. Does this person even exist?

Pro: Won’t give you a headache.

Con: Won’t do diddly.

Try: Really, they’re doing you a favor. The best group project member is no group project member.

And, of course, there’s you: The Noble Student.

It’s all on you, buddy.

Coming next week: Your Crush Is In Your Group, But It Turns Out They’re An Idiot, Too – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.