Some things are more annoying than others.
These six things, however, take the cake.
6. Bicyclists
Seriously, I hate you all so much, and I’m assuming that a good majority of the people reading this feel similarly. Okay, imagine this scenario: you’re driving somewhere, and you need to get there quickly. You’re doing great, hitting all the green lights and really cruising along when all of a sudden, some guy in a one-piece leotard pulls out into the street on his sweet bike, right in front of you, causing you to say phrases that would make your grandma cry herself to sleep. Hey bikers, I’m going to explain something to you: you’re bike goes about 25 m.p.h. tops, and your refusal to get out of the street and ride on the sidewalk makes the ten people lined up behind you late for their destination. Simply put, you are not Lance Armstrong -- you are wearing a very inappropriate spandex onesie holding up the steady flow of traffic, and unless you’re in the Tour de France or you have the quads to pump that little bicycle fast enough for it to leave the ground E.T.-style, just do us all a favor (along with your expeditiously declining fertility rate) and wear some normal clothes when you ride your obscenely expensive bike. Because as much as I like watching grown men riding bicycles looking like they just got done tattooing an outfit onto their bodies, I am tired of being late to meetings. Get out of the road and onto a *gasp* sidewalk, unless you want me to tomahawk throw a lead pipe into your spokes.
5. Experiences in middle school
Oh geez, did anyone really like middle school? Between puberty making you look as awkward as a butcher at a PETA meeting and kids being so vicious to one another it actually makes North Korea look reasonable, middle school is probably healthiest suppressed and forgotten deep in the Freudian catacombs of your brain, right along with the inappropriate way the high school nurse made you take off your shirt even though you only went there for a Tylenol.
4. Frat guys starting fights with one another to validate their masculinity
We all know this guy -- the one who walks by a house party where the random drunk guys on the porch yell something like, “Hey bro, nice shirt do they make that in a smaller size than baby?” Upon this statement, the “bro” will then rip his shirt off, flex his protein-filled muscles and subsequently attempt to fight the entire house party. When he attempts to go up to fight all 12 inebriated guys though, about five level-headed brothers will hold him back and continuously say phrases like, “Dude it’s not worth it. You don’t want to hurt them bro.” This is the part of the ritual that needs to cease, and conversely, let’s start letting these inferiority complex riddled fratstars mosey on up to their own massacre and finally get their ass handed back to them. This needs to be done in order to create healthy limits within the brother in question. Just let it happen once in a while to show the juiced up brother of yours that the simple act of taking one’s shirt off doesn’t automatically give you the fighting strength of Wolverine. All in all, when you give in to random drunk guys talking trash, you look like a bigger tool than them, plus you make the house you belong to look like its filled with tools of a similar composition. Next time this happens, take a moment to cool off and realize there are other ways to prove to girls that you are a male, and/or just stop wearing tight Hollister shirts, (you might find you get heckled way less).
3. When something that you want to hate ends up being awesome
I tried for so long to hate Dave Matthews, but I finally had to bite the bullet and admit how catchy all of his music is. Other such concessions include, but aren’t limited to, the catchiness of Lady Gaga songs, the usefulness of blow-dryers, dub-step music, peanut butter on hamburgers, IU’s law school, Mike’s Hard Lemonade’s tasting really good, and that guys from other fraternities can be just as rad as the guys in your own house.
2. Common misconceptions people have about themselves after eight drinks
- You think you are making hilarious, cheeky comments when really you’re talking complete nonsense on par with my two-year-old nephew, and you’re inevitably drooling a little in the process.
- You try to walk nonchalantly in a sexy, mysterious way past a guy you like, and you a). stagger like you were cured of polio an hour earlier, and b). also unknowingly have a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of one of your five-inch heels.
- You scream bloody murder when you see someone in your sorority at the same party/bar you're at... Seriously, please stop this; we understand you are friends and possibly even in the *gasp* same sorority, but nobody wants to hear it; it's noise pollution. I could possibly understand this reaction in some scenario where somehow after being separated at birth you found your long lost twin at the mall or even if someone saved your puppy from falling in a volcano, but the vocal explosions you emit are so grating that every dog within a mile radius stops what they're doing and looks in your direction.
- You get in everyone’s personal space. While some guys might enjoy having their face slapped by a girl not realizing you aren’t her cheating boyfriend or being hit way too hard in the back by a guy who will without fail will then delve into an hour-long (incoherent) rant about the good old days of pledgeship while his arm lingers on your shoulder and he breathes right into your face, but I along with the majority of people, do not. Cool your jets, guys and gals and stop breathing your rumpleminz breath in my face, remarking how “fresh” you now feel.
1. Having a very public argument with your girl/boyfriend after imbibing a strong amount
We’ve all seen this one play out. One party becomes engrossed with a small insignificant moment that he or she sees as the complete and utter downfall of the relationship as they know it, and just can't possibly go on unless they bring this issue up to their partner in the most public, dramatic way possible. This, in turn, generally leads to a very heated, intellectual debate with his or her equally inebriated significant other, and as such eventually segues into such deep introspective quotes as...
“but babe, you know I didn’t mean your mom was hotter than you. I meant she had an awesome body for a mom. Plus you totally look like her so technically it's a compliment to you,”
or…
“Oh, so that’s why I saw you talking to that girl for 30 minutes in the bar?”
“But babe she’s my sister, like my actual sister,”
“Doesn’t matter I saw the way you were looking at her.”
or...
“I totally thought she was you, I mean I don’t have my glasses on and you know how bad my depth perception is, I mean you both have black hair and Asian accents"
"What Asian accent are you talking about Chad? I was born in New Hampshire."
