All of my life I have a shadow following me around. However, I am not talking about the shadow in which light produces, I am talking about a more daunting shadow. This black and looming cloud I am referencing is anxiety. At a very young age I had my first panic attack in the basement of my childhood home. Ever since that first panic attack, I have never lost the constant fear of having another panic attack. In high school, my anxiety rose to severe numbers where I would be forced to take days off from school and eventually be forced to see someone about my condition. This setback gave me no clear advantage in college where I have suffered numerous attacks built up from research, papers, tests, social events, etc. I still fear the feelings and thoughts associated with past and future attacks.
Most individuals will brush anxiety off like when they hear a fellow student, co-worker or friend describe their stress levels at a hectic time in life. But I am here to tell you that anxiety is no simple level that can be built up by a constant practice of procrastination. Anxiety for me is the haunting killer who lurks within the darkness. It is also in that same darkness where I find myself most vulnerable to such anxiety attacks/panic attacks. The frightening impulse to lose all sanity and act irrationally towards anything and everybody. No matter how fast I run I cannot lose what constantly lingers in the abyss of my mind.
Anybody who suffers from a condition of this nature can relate when I say that it very easy for your life to change while constantly being stalked. I personally struggle with my anxiety during school and when I feel that those around me are not happy. But not every one of my attacks are triggered by the same exact thought, action, or sequence of events. Every day it is a new fear that my mind carries me back into the abyss in which I fear.
Today, I still have yet to find a cure for my imperfection. But none the less I have been surrounded by people who are willing to support me through my struggling times. While at college it has been by the grace of great fraternity brothers, friends and even University of Alabama administrators. College is a very daunting and stressful time that can become a horror story for anyone who possess a mental burden. That is why it is important for both those who do struggle with any mental setbacks and those who don’t to support each other. It is important to engage them even when they seem to be lost within themselves. But then again, it is also important to give them the ability to get lost when they feel they are being suffocated with the stress of society. Because when the weight of the world is hoisted amongst your shoulders it is always important to find the support necessary to keep it aloft.
I do not wish to receive sympathy for this writing but rather awareness. Awareness that can make others who struggle with similar setbacks breathe easier day to day. I need help when I become lost within my own thoughts and begin to drown in their constant attack on my mental state. Behind closed doors at parties, dinner, class I constantly run from my darkness. But moments when there is someone who can give my mind ease and comfort that is when I can catch my breath and realize that realize I am safe from harm. College is a true marathon one must finish by today’s standard. Anxiety creates a sense that you will never finish such race and doubts your very ability to achieve anything further. This is the shadow that haunts me.
