The Semi Colon

To many the semi colon is a symbol that a story doesn’t end and that it continues. I’ve been lucky and blessed to have a tattoo of a semi colon butterfly who I named Finley in honor of a little girl who changed my life.The reason why it is in the shape of a butterfly is another story.

As many know, the last two months have been the hardest two months I’ve dealt with in awhile. I got out of my eleven month relationship, I am currently unemployed, moved back with my mom and had my mental health deteriorate.

I spent weeks crying over everything. I spent sleepless nights trying to forget the days before. My legs became full of scars. I didn’t know what to do anymore. My life was a mess. I was drowning. In a way, I’m still drowning.

I wanted to end it at one point because I thought that all the pain and suffering would be over. I would finally be in a better place. It wasn’t until I saw my little sister ball her eyes out at that statement I made that I realized that will never be an option.

I’m sick. My depression is a disease that has decided to rear its ugly head of hers and take over my thoughts and emotions. It is the reason why I get depression screened every single time I go to the doctor. I wonder if I am going to get another job or how I am going to pay for things because again life just didn’t go in my favor.

But I have to keep going. I have to live.

I choose to live for my sisters who are my best friends. I choose to live for the boy who came into my life and swept me off my feet. I choose to live for the doctors who I know will get me the help that I need.

I can’t dwell on the boy who broke my heart. I can’t dwell on the fact that I currently do not have a job. Life happens.

I need to keep going. My story isn’t over. I am only twenty years old. I have a whole life ahead of me.

Some days suck. Some days I curl up into a ball and hope my anti depressants kick in so I can feel some sort of relief. Some days I am very smiley and happy because of the little things.

Someone close to me recently told me that I was tough and that I was worth it after opening up to them.

I realized that I am worth it. Again, my story isn’t over. I have so much to live for. I am going to make a difference in the world someday so I can’t give up now even though somedays I want to. I am going to keep fighting for the people who didn’t. I want to keep fighting for those who thought that their fight was too hard. I am fighting to keep my story going and I will keep that story going for as long as I live.