"I don't know what to do." I said to my best friend. "If he finds out he's going to lose it. I think he could really hurt me this time."
"Come on he's your boyfriend Jenny. You have to tell him soon. Otherwise he is going to find out on his own and that will just make everything worse."
"But how do you tell someone you've been cheating on them for the past four months?" I asked.
"Carefully."
I was terrified. My hands were shaking on the way over to Connor's house. I had been there a hundred times, but this time was different. This time I knew would be the last.
I was on my way over to tell him I had been seeing someone else. I didn't know how I was going to break this news. I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt. Any boyfriend would freak out over news like this, so I couldn't imagine what Connor would do. He hit me over the littlest mistakes.
One time I spilled my coffee on his bed and he slapped me. I never thought my ears would stop ringing. This kind of behavior is what led me to cheat. I was such a nice girl before I met Connor. I was so loving, but he made me question what love was. He made me cruel and heartless.
Was love being afraid of your partner? I never wanted to question the love I was in, so I looked for it elsewhere. Before I knew it, I was pulling into his drive-way.
I made sure not to lock my car, just in case I needed a fast get away. I wish I had brought someone with me, so I could feel safe.
I walked into his house to find him lying on the couch. He didn't even look at me when I walked in. That wasn't unusual though. He never really looked at me. I felt invisible half the time, but today I knew I was going to get his attention. I sat next to him on the couch and started, "Connor, we need to talk."
I must have not spoken loud enough, because he continued gazing into the screen, like he was hypnotized by it. He didn't even blink at the sound of my voice. "Connor." I stated a little louder. He turned his head and asked me what was up, unenthused.
He broke my heart every day, so I don't know why I felt so bad that I was about to break his. Every day was the same. If he wasn't hitting me, he was acting as if I was just a stranger, passing him on the street.
It killed me but I stayed. As much as I wanted to blame him for all of it, I am to blame. It is my fault for staying. I am a fool.
Waiting. Sitting next to him on the couch, I waited for the right words to come to mind. I opened my mouth but held myself back. I had made a mistake, I thought to myself. There has to be another way to do this. I stood up to leave and that caught his attention. "Oh so you're just going to leave? Okay." he said with anger.
"You're not talking to me, I don't know what you want me to do." I replied with aggravation.
He stood up and faced me. "Where do you always run off to?" he asked. Shocked by his accusation I said, "Nowhere. What do you mean?"
"You always leave so early. I don't understand. It makes me wonder." Connor said kindly, as if he cared. His confusion over the situation frustrated me. It's like he didn't think he was at fault at all. "What do you expect me to do? You don't show me any love, or even act like you care! So I found someone who does." I blurted out, before I even realized what I had just said.
"…Found someone who does? Are you serious?" Connor replied grinding his teeth.
I stepped back, while a suspiciously calm Connor took a moment to take it all in. He looked up at me and smiled. "Okay." he said. "I think we can work this out." after saying this, he walked around me to the door. My heart froze when I saw what he did. He locked it.
He didn't move for a while. He just stood there, back turned to me. I stood frozen like my heart, waiting for him to freak out, yell, scream, thrash; the usual. None of this happened though. His calmness made me uneasy. The calm before the storm. I jumped, when he finally turned around.
Seeing me jump made him laugh. A laugh that sent chills up my spine. He broke the silence. "I don't know what you were thinking." Before I could defend myself, he spoke again, this time louder and he took one step closer to me, "You're mine. What were you thinking?"
"How can you even say…" I was cut off. "You're mine!" He yelled. I closed my eyes in fear. When I opened them he was lunging towards me. It was useless to call for help, because no one would hear me.
Shaking with fear as he grabbed both my arms, I began to beg him to stop. "You're right. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking." His hands gripped my neck. "Please Connor. I'll never do it again. I'm yours. I'm yours!" I said half-heartedly. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Abuse takes a toll on a person's mind.
Just as my body started to feel numb from Connor's grip, he loosened up. This was definitely the worst it has ever been. I had never seen Connor so out of his mind. I started to say I was sorry, but I was stopped by his mouth on mine.
His kiss was aggressive. His hands slide down my waist. I opened my eyes to see him removing his pants. "No. No. No." I told him. He continued just like he continued to watch the television. My voice was unheard. My words meant nothing.
"Stop!" I screamed, as he got on top of me. "You said you're mine." He said. "Prove it." These words made me sick. I forced myself to try and get up, but his weight kept me down. He had never done this before.
An idea came to my head and it was the only chance I had. The first step was to play along.
I pretended to love it. I kissed him back and whispered that I loved him. I kissed his neck and flipped him over, as if I wanted to take control. Which I did but not for the reasons he thought.
Once I was on top I slowed down. I grabbed a beer bottle from the table nearby and shattered it over his head. I jumped off and ran towards the door. I wished the bottle would have knocked him out but it hadn't. It only stalled him for a minute. Next thing I knew he was running up behind me.
I knew I wouldn't be able to get the door unlocked in time, so I dashed into the kitchen. I jumped to the other side of the table, having it separate us.
Blood trickling down from this hairline, he smiled at me; laughing at his plans for me. I couldn't let him catch me. I needed to get him on the other side, so that he wasn't blocking the door. So I waited for him to make a move.
Waiting. I stared at the man I once loved. Once so comfortable and innocent. How did love become so violent?
Sure enough, he darted around one side of the table and I quickly ran across the other. I saw the block of knives as I was running. I stopped and grabbed the biggest one, just as his hand latched onto my shoulder.
I whipped around and buried the knife into the center of his chest. His hands fell to his side and he stumbled back into the table where he then sat.
Tears shed from both of our eyes, as we realized what had just happened. We both knew this had gone too far. All of it.
I ripped the knife out of his chest and tried to stop the blood. It was too late though.
His hand reached up to my cheek. He touched me so gently. He hadn't touched me like that in years. "I'm sorry." he said softly. In that moment, I believed him and before he died, he broke my heart one last time.
