Growing up, I always knew that I was different. I didn’t exactly know why, but I knew. I knew that something in me was different than my other girl friends and I found that out as early as elementary school. My friends and I would gossip all the time, which I enjoyed. It's all we would ever do, just us girls. That didn’t last, though, we went from laughing and making fun of the boys daily to flirting with them. I didn’t feel comfortable at all with this, but I went with it because that’s what all my friends were doing, I didn’t want to feel left out. This continued until the boy I was “flirting” with reacted. He liked me and I was so excited, I had finally done what all my friends had already. The excitement didn’t last, though, and I began to feel uncomfortable again. I was so confused, I didn’t know why I felt this way. I decided to stop talking to this boy, we were only in the fifth grade so it didn’t matter anyway. He would survive without me. I finished the year off alone, I didn’t talk to my friends anymore because I just felt so different and I felt like I didn’t belong with them.

This feeling continued on to middle school, I still didn’t understand what was going on with me. I was frustrated, I just wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to be able to do what they were doing and I wanted to feel good about it. I couldn’t do that though so the isolation became worse. I wouldn’t interact with anyone That’s until I met a friend, she was different, so different. She wasn’t worried about flirting with boys all the time, she was amazing and I finally felt like I had someone to become friends with again. We became very close, best friends. We were nearly inseparable. It had gotten to the point where she was all I could think about which didn’t feel normal. It was never like that with my previous friends, what was so different about her than them? They were all amazing girls that I clicked with, but it just wasn’t the same.I thought that I was going crazy, when I tell you that she’s all I could think about, I mean it. When we weren’t together I always wish that we were, but we would text each other all day. Not long after all of this I began to isolate again, I was so scared, I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me. I stopped talking to her.

Later that year we had a presentation in our English class, it was an LGBTQ organization. I never knew about it until then. They came to our class and told us about their organization and why they started it. Each member that spoke with us were either gay or lesbian. They told us their story, they told us about going through middle and high school being openly gay, they told us everything, the good and the bad. While listening to this I thought to myself, “Holy shit, am I gay?” I began to cry and I walked out of the room and spent the rest of the class period in the bathroom. I was terrified and I didn’t know what to do, but It was all coming together and it started to make sense. I liked girls, that was it. All of the anger and sadness that’s I had previously been feeling began to make sense.

Although I was glad that I had figured out what was going on with me, I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be gay, I grew up around the idea that two girls being together was wrong. I went to a school where people who were openly gay were made fun of daily. I didn’t want that to be me, I didn’t want to be made fun of, I didn’t want anyone to look at me differently so I decided to push it back as far as I could. I wasn’t going to be gay, it just couldn’t happen. So, I decided to start talking to boys, it was weird and I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted, but I had to force myself. I dated a few boys throughout that year and on to high school. It never felt comfortable, but I didn’t care, I would have done anything to try and change who I was, I just couldn’t be gay.

This was until my sophomore year of high school, I fell deeper into my depression and I just hated who I had become. I was so unhappy and I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to talk to someone about this. I had a very good friend at the time that was also gay so I told him. He was the first person that I ever came out to, he was so happy and that made me feel a little better about the entire situation. I told him about the hate that I was feeling toward myself and he shared with me his similar experience. Talking to him made me feel better and his positive feedback made me want to open up about it just a little more. The same day as this conversation I made a huge post on Facebook talking about everything and also sharing the fact that I am gay. The feedback that I received was insane. People were thanking me for sharing my experience and I actually had people tell me that I inspired them to come out to their friends, I was absolutely speechless. There was obviously a part of me that still wasn't ok with this, but part of me felt good about it, I was officially on the road to accepting who I was. I no longer hated myself for being gay, I realized that it's who I am and that no matter how hard I try nothing can change that. I just knew that it would take time for me to fully accept and love myself. And that it did, it took me until my senior year, but that's ok, better late than never.

I'm now in my first semester of college and I'm embracing who I am. I no longer hide it. I met a beautiful girl that soon became my girlfriend and she's everything that I've ever wanted. Everything that I went through was worth it because it all brought me to where I am right now.

If you would have told me three years ago that I'd actually be happy and in a relationship with someone as beautiful as my girlfriend I would probably laugh. But I am and I'm so damn happy.