The other day I was having dinner with my boyfriend and a couple of friends when my cousin said, "Y'all sure do talk about him a lot." The him she was referring to was my ex, and when she said, "y'all," I knew she meant me. And truthfully, she was right. I mentioned him frequently, despite the fact that I knew it wasn't healthy and I knew my boyfriend did not want to hear, "My ex did this..." or "I remember when he did that." I averted the subject and passed the phenomena off as, "Being reminiscent of a time when he was a big part of my life." To make sense of it, I had convinced myself that it was natural and perfectly okay to mention him as he was a part of my past and, of course,most of my life had revolved around things the two of us did for the months we were together. I felt like to completely avoid him was to let the memories and pain from our breakup control me.

But only when another friend was brutally honest with me did I really understand the extent to which this had grown out of control.

"You need to just let go. Of everything. Seriously, move on," he basically told me. Of course I knew this, and I insisted that I was indeed trying to move on. Yet still, it felt that this journey was impeded by some sort of psychological barrier. It had been nearly four months. Or, the entire length of my relationship with my ex. Why did he have such a lasting impression on me? After all, I was in a new relationship. I am happier than ever with my current boyfriend. And, I was the one who had broken up with my ex.

Why was I seemingly hung up over a boy who I knew I was better off without? I knew this wasn't abnormal even if my particular situation was. I'd watched plenty of women and men yearn after their exes whom certainly did not deserve them back. But why exactly weren't we over our exes? Why do we hold onto the love, hurt, or even anger for another person when it's clear that we should let go? It has a lot less to do with the person our ex is or was, and much more to do with us.

First, it's important for me to clarify that I have no desire to be in a relationship with my ex, and in hindsight it is very clear to me that the breakup was absolutely necessary and for the best. I am much better off now that I am no longer in an unhealthy relationship. But why do I still care what my ex thinks of me? Why do I still want my ex to want me?

I searched for answers and advice online to no avail.

"I'm happy with my current boyfriend but still care about my ex." I couldn't be anymore honest. My current boyfriend gives me everything I could ever want from a relationship. To me he is perfect in every way and treats me the way I have dreamed of being treated, the way I know I deserve to be treated. In no way am I holding on to my ex because subconsciously "I want him back" or subconsciously "He's better than my current boyfriend."

I chalked up my over-interest in my ex as 'having a big heart' and truly caring for him despite our breakup. But the truth is i'm not over our relationship because I still haven't mended the damage I did to myself when we broke up. Because I have this desire to be wanted and so somehow I had convinced myself that because he didn't want me any longer, I wasn't good enough.

I was afraid that maybe he saw something in me that I didn't, something unworthy of his love. After all, how could your love for someone just cease? Now I began to doubt my own value. What if this affected my new relationship? What if my new boyfriend got tired of me, or began to see parts of me he didn't like either? What if...

As people, we are constantly in need of reassurance. We constantly need to be reminded that we are wanted. And somehow, even though the people that are closest to us, the people that mean the most to us, reassure us daily, this is not enough. So, after a breakup, we begin to doubt our worth. When we are rejected by someone who meant so much to us, who we believed saw every part of us, we become doubtful of the genuineness of their love and perceive the relationship to more or less be a lie. Even though we have no desire to be with our exes any longer, we still want them to want us. When they don't, when they begin to reject us, it is not only a punch to the gut, but also the ego and psyche. What changed? We wonder. Why am I no longer good enough?

What we fail to realize is: The ability or inability of an individual to love us is not reflective of our worth. Just because the relationship is now over, does not mean you are not worthy, or never were, of his or her love. More importantly, it does not mean you are not worthy of your own love. Your value is not determined by anybody's love but your own. If you really want to get over your ex, the love you have for yourself must be stronger than your desire to be loved by another.