It is said that the divorce rate is approximately forty-five percent, meaning that almost half of all those married will end up divorced. Some of you read that last statistic thinking, "I've heard this before" or "that's just how it is nowadays." This being the couples left to continue their lives alone. What most people don't think about, however, is the number of children that are left with divorced parents, aka the product of divorce. Take it from someone with firsthand experience: being the product of a divorce sucks. This is not to say that my life has sucked as a result.
I’ve been a child of divorce for nearly ten years. It's been so long that I couldn't tell you of a time that I remember my parents happy together. In fact, the only "together" I remember for them was fighting, slamming doors, and eventually leaving. Their divorce laid a foundation for how growing up would be. I became accustomed to separate vacations, birthday parties, and Christmases, along with all other major events. I also became an expert at packing when switching between their houses every weekend. To friends this was, “Wow, you’re so lucky; you get to have two of everything!” For me, it was sometimes not seeing certain family members for holidays and constantly living out of duffle bags. Being a child of divorce also leads to a lot of confusion for both the parents and the child. For instance, getting permission from Parent 1 to attend a sleepover Friday night is not appreciated by Parent 2 when it’s supposed to be their weekend with you. Of course this leads to Parent 2 “communicating” with Parent 1 through the child. In my case, this usually lead to me handing a phone over saying, “I’m not your messenger.”
For years after the divorce, my mother and father looked for replacements for each other and focused on work. I, however, learned. I learned to stand up for myself and my happiness when I chose which of them I would live with. I learned not to let others leave me helpless by depending on someone else’s salary or comfort. I learned how to wash clothes and check my own homework, although that wasn’t really by choice. More importantly, I learned that someone’s world could literally be split in half and still come out on the other side in one piece, no matter the amount of tape and glue that it took to get there.
As I got older, my life undoubtedly settled down. Bickering became snide comments. Confrontation turned into living as though the other did not exist. What had once felt like an everyday battle would slowly become my normal life. Although I knew each and everyday that my parents were divorced, I hadn’t really thought about it until my senior retreat in high school. We were asked our worries leaving for college and, crazy enough, two of my friends surprised me with their answers. They had said they were scared that leaving home would leave their parents with no choice but divorce. I remember silently laughing to myself for the briefest of moments. I thought, “Their biggest fear is something that I’ve been doing since before I can remember.” While my friends were completely justified in being afraid of that for their parents, I had lived that. I had overcome that.
To this day, even those closest to me do not understand why I feel the way I do about certain things my mother does or certain things my father says. I’m used to that though. Explaining now would open wounds that have long been healed. I think my parents did what was best for them and what they thought was best for their children. I no longer hold resentment towards either of them for giving up on a failing marriage. Their white flag would play a major part in my life today. Sure, there are times when I have nothing but distrust for people, and there are times where you cannot pay me to let others make the smallest decisions that might affect me. However, because of this, I’ve learned the value of trust and what it means to truly love those around me. Being the product of a divorce did not leave me broken or searching for love. It left me far more put-together than most my age. Witnessing a marriage fail definitely does not put me in a rush to get married anytime soon though. I’ve learned that you should take the time to really get to know someone to make sure you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I am a child of divorce but I believe in marriage.
To anyone becoming the product of a divorce: You will become extremely good with planning and time management as you get older. The chaos you deal with through your parents will prepare you for that. Also, your opinions on marriage will change and that’s okay. It’s okay to not want to get married, and it’s okay to not want to have kids. What’s not okay is the reason for this being your parents’ divorce. Keeping yourself guarded will only hurt you in the end. By pushing people away, you could possibly push “the one” away. And if you’re lucky enough to have found “the one” already, you know that they will change your opinion on marriage and give you the hope to someday believe again. Remember that your parents are still your parents, and they love you. I never wanted to be a product of divorce, but now I wouldn't change a thing. I am so much more than a product of divorce and so are you.
