For the most part of my life, I usually had a good handle on the twists and turns that came about. I knew who I was, I had a stable support system around me, and I was rarely in a state of worry. It's inevitable that we all go through something in life, to some degree, and it effects us in some way or another. For me, as well as the other 18.2% of adults in the U.S. who suffers from a mental illness, we know that this battle doesn't just end. In fact, we can, and most likely could be battling this for the rest of our lives.
I often wonder if anybody else is completely and utterly lost and confused as I am. My mental illness has fully convinced me that I am stuck in this never ending battle that will be following me for the rest of my life. I have bought this stupid act that my mental illness has put on for me. The worst part is that a part of me, a huge part of me, knows that everything my mental illness tells me isn't the truth at all. But somehow, I always end up believing it. Why? It's much more comfortable to be drowning in a familiar pain.
My mind has attached to this idea of worry, pain, and suffering that is far too familiar at this point. Over time, my body slowly transformed into a full power mode of rushing negative habits. The subtle lip biting until you're bleeding, the biting of the nails until they are so short you are in pain. Maybe you smoke a pack in one sitting, or you take it far enough to harm your own body to try to numb this mental pain. Our body resorts back to these habits because.. what is there to lose? We are at rock bottom, there's no room for being put down and disappointed, or being judged, or getting rejected. We've hit our lowest lows that it gets comforting knowing that we are in the most pain, nothing more can come. In a very sad, exhausted way. (But somehow, more always comes.)
After you pick up those habits that unconsciously creep up on you, it doesn't take long until your mind catches up as well. Those little negative voices inside your head now took over the loud speaker in your mind. Your hope, inspiration, motivation, and happiness somehow got taken over by an alarming, frightened, and sad feeling. Some days you can control those negative thoughts and change them. Other days, you relentlessly let them win because your energy level has significantly decreased.
There can come a time when you have been suffering for so long, that you chose to believe the thoughts that bring you down. You go out of your way to do those nervous, negative habits. You are wired to think with worry, guilt, fear, and hate. By the time you know it, you are a 24/7 worrying machine that is hesitant, scared, angry, and negative.
Congratulations, now you feel as if you are a walking illness. Structured into your own way of living under this horrific spell. The feeling that there is no escaping because for some reason, your body will not let go of this negativity for the life of you. You convince yourself you can and will let it go, but you never take the necessary actions to do it. Maybe we don't know the actions. Maybe we are too afraid, too lazy. Why? It's much more comfortable to be drowning in a familiar pain.
I've lived through days where I knew I could beat this feeling. I've lived through days where I really thought I couldn't. But the truth is, we all can and will live through our mental illness. The truth is, there is the help out in the world that can cure us all. Whether it's medication, meditation, therapy, or maybe you just need a long, tight hug, there is help out there that can cure you. And when I say cure you, I don't mean eliminate your mental illness and erase any negative thoughts you have ever experienced.
You can cure yourself with the help of others and yourself. You can cure yourself by working through your mental illness. You will learn to cope with your problems. You will be open to new ways to live with this. Being effected by a mental illness, you have to realize sooner or later that this is a serious and real thing. Your illness might not go away, but you can change and shape the way your body and mind react to it.
Take it day by day. Take it moment by moment. There is help out there that is beneficial and perfect just for you. It might take years to find the perfect medication, it might take months before you start seeing your improvement. But please trust me, and know that you can overcome whatever you are dealing with. There are people living in this world that are living proof that even though you might be really suicidal right now, years from now you can be a completely different and happy person. There are people everyday who are overcoming their worst habits and nastiest thoughts.
Please don't ever give up. Please seek help, whether it's talking to a friend, family member, or therapist. Please know that people out in the world care for you, want to help you, and want to see you improve.
Sheetal Tadiparty
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