Dear One I have too much pride to mention,

Where do I begin? Let’s go back to high school where it all bloomed. That’s where most first loves start. Just like everyone else, we fell for one another without a care. We did not give a damn how fast we moved or how hard we loved, because we thought this would be forever. You took a lot of my firsts. The first I said, “I love you,” to and meant it, the first promise accompanied by a ring, the first to give me crazy butterflies, and the first to have outrageous fights about basically nothing. We went through two proms, two graduations, and the start of college with one another. There were life challenges, especially when you went to Pittsburgh putting distance between us. Regardless of anything, we fought hard and loved even harder. We were naive and I like to believe we started out being in love. We obviously did not have what it took to make it through the storms. It was not more so your fault than mine, but I can tell you that I took our split pretty hard.

The first time we broke up gave me feelings I will never forget. You drowned your sorrows with liquor and girls while I crumbled by myself. There were nights where I never went to sleep. Days where I would sit in the shower and cry to the point where I couldn’t breathe, but the shower somehow managed to mask my gasps and red eyes. I would walk outside and just think of you. Songs on the radio reminded me of every memory we had together. The one where I would sing to you while we danced in circles was a favorite. You would always look at me with wondering eyes and tell me how beautiful my voice was. Of course, some idiot invented apps like Time-Hop to make me remember things when I thought I had forgotten. Your presence stayed with me long after you left.

I walked around with an empty feeling each and every day. The worst feelings were when I heard the rumors, or truths, I will never know which one they were. My stomach would literally tighten and make it feel as if I was going to throw up wherever I was. I used to close my eyes really tight and wish that people would just stop. I did not want to hear about who you were pursuing when I was willing to give you whatever you wanted. I knew that I had given you more than they ever could, because I actually cared about you and your feelings. I tried to fight the urge to contact you, but it always happened. I thought I would always be in love with you. No matter who I talked to, they didn't understand, which made me feel hopeless. Your guy friends would tell me you were using me, but in my stupidity I fell for your words that had absent actions. Above all, I had to watch my close family and friends look at me like I was someone they didn't even recognize. They watched over me like the fragile human being I was, which made the reality even harder for I wasn't in my own bubble. Everyone saw how pathetic I was.

After the year and a half we dated and split, we tried many more times to be in love or to fix our wrongs. I thought it was impossible to feel worse after the initial heartbreak, but that was false. Watching us waste away and turn into something we said we would never be was no doubt the hardest thing I had to watch. Each time we tried, things just got worse and worse. You started keeping secrets. Who can keep secrets in a small town? I eventually would find out the things you were trying to hide and pull away from you. Our trust got thin and our arguments got thicker.

Then the games began.

I wanted to make you hurt like you hurt me. I hurt people in the process and thought I finally had the upper hand. Somehow, you were better at the game than I. I think the thing I hated the most was I lost myself while trying to have you. The girl that everyone once knew to be strong and never needed anyone, faded away. I was putty in your hands and I hate you for doing that to me. I stopped laughing all of the time, I quit going out, and life was all about how I could get over you.

After being roped into the toxicity of going back and forth with your love, the party life unleashed itself. It was a high for me. I could drown your thoughts with a bottle of liquor, raunchy dancing, and ear blowing music. It honestly was like I was living through Tove Lo's music video, "Habits." Reality would always find me in the morning and you would be right back in my mind. Either that or you would be at the party, somehow I would manage to make a fool out of myself. It took me three years to finally get over you. Three years of my life wasted. Not that you were a waste, but you had no value for me after the initial breakup.

We were in love and we should’ve left it that way. Falling in and out of love with you was too much to handle. It made me see you in a different way. Many times, I wondered if I was too blind to see that this is actually how you were before or if you changed after your heart broke. If you could’ve just left me go, not contacted me every time you got drunk, or played with my head I know for a fact you would’ve been old news for a while. I came back every single time because you were easy. I was comfortable with you. I didn’t have to re-meet an entire family or explain my life story all over again. And to be completely honest, I was still in love with you and those baby blues. I loved being in your arms even if it was for an hour, I loved laughing with you and I loved your false hopes. My love for you made me weak. I knew you were still in love with me by the way you looked at me, but you were scared. The distance didn’t help and everyone was getting tired of our mess just like we were. It is true when people say love makes you do crazy things. We were crazy, always had been.

I can say now that some odd years later I am finally over you. I can look at you and the butterflies are gone. Your name doesn’t make my legs shake and tears don’t fill my eyes when people tell me what you are up to. You are basically a shell of someone I fell in love with. Your insides are not the same boy I loved. You died a long time ago as far as I am concerned. I have changed back to who I was before you. I no longer recognize that girl. The depressed one who had a constant burning in her throat from wanting to cry in public, yet managed to hold it back. The one who would try to act strong while being weaker than she could even describe. The ill looking one who lost an excessive amount of weight over the stress. The lost one who missed herself more than anyone else. The loner who was broken, empty and helpless.

I refuse to ever be her again. I refuse to lose myself while trying to make someone else whole. I found me in this giant mess. I fell in love with myself: my laugh, my jokes, my body, the way I speak, and my little kinks and quirks. The endless cries, embarrassing moments, and unfaithfulness made me stronger. I forgive you for absolutely everything and I hope you can do the same for me. I will always love the old you, but I also realize that old you is gone. If you text me now, I will respond, but I will never fall into my ways again. I owe that to myself.

I apologize for all my wrongs for I know my slate was not clean. I know that I was not easy to love and I enjoyed playing with your heart the same way you did with mine. It is sad to know where we are now when I look back at what we had, but I know we had to grow apart. I would ask you for closure or a reason of why you did the things you did to me, but what good would it do me now? From time to time, I question if you ever loved me and to be honest there are days when I wish I never met you. However, I can accept the fact that we both loved each other more than words could even say. Life just got in the way and instead of passing the test, we both miserably failed. We were prefect, just not in the perfect situation and that's okay.

We are that couple that can love each other from a distance, but can’t be together. I wish you the best of luck in life and I hope you have nothing short of happiness. Maybe someday you will realize what you lost and how I deserved much more. Maybe you won't, but it is no longer something I have time to worry about. I hope you think of me every once in a while, realize your wrongs to fix, and smile upon our memories. As Adele says. " We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts, we both know we ain't kids no more."

With love forever and always,

The Girl You Lost