Every year around this time, I feel the emptiness of your presence not being here. I remember the first Christmas without you, it felt like something was missing, suddenly there was one less person at the table for dinner, one less person to greet, one less gift to wrap, one less card to write. The holidays are time to be happy and thankful for the people in your life. For me, the holidays are just another day that you aren’t here. Another day where I think of you, your smile, your laugh, the last card and gift you gave me, the last hug we shared and last time that we ate dinner together. It is hard to see other people out with you because it is just another reminder that you aren’t around anymore. I get jealous of the people who still can enjoy their holidays with every single member of their family while I have one person missing. It doesn’t seem fair. I am jealous of the boy I saw in Panera the other day sitting at a table with his grandma laughing and having a good time. I was looking on and smiling but on the inside, I was sad because I don’t get to laugh with you anymore, I don’t get to hug you, or smile at you. I don’t get to write you a card or buy you a gift and watch you smile as you see what it is. I miss you especially around Christmas, the memories of decorating your tree always come to mind, I loved doing that, it was one of my favorite traditions.

I think that is part of the reason why I dread Christmas because I don’t get to have that tradition anymore. I do get to decorate my own tree but it isn’t the same as going over to your house to decorate yours and to have you there watching. I hold those memories close to my heart and feel lucky to have had them at all. I know you are always with me in spirit but I wish you could be with me in person to make more memories, to share more laughs and to give more hugs. This will be my sixth Christmas without you, it still hurts to know that I won’t see you on Christmas day and that I all I will have is a memory of you and of the times that we have shared together. I will be thinking of you as Christmas gets closer and even more so on Christmas day, thank you for all of the wonderful memories that I have of you. I will be thinking of them and on you always.