Emotional abuse is seldom talked about. When talking about abuse, people initially think about physical or sexual abuse – which are important, I’m not denying or disregarding that. But we do need to look at the abuse not talked about: emotional and mental abuse.
This abuse is quiet. It doesn’t have bruises or scars or blood to make it seen, to make it visible. It is internal. Sometimes, the people who are being abused don’t even realize it until it's too late, or they are out of the relationship. This is why I consider it dangerous.
The too-lateness of symptoms is odd. For me, I was in a friendship (yes, friendship, it doesn’t have to be romantic) with a guy I thought was oh-so-amazing. It turns out, he wasn’t. He kept telling me that all he wanted was for me to be happy. When he said that, I figured everything else he said was in regards to that. And maybe that is my fault, for being too trusting of another’s intentions, but I have learned something from that relationship. He wanted me to be perfect, even though he said himself that perfection isn’t possible. He would tell me to strive for perfection, as if I already didn’t. He would criticize my ways, tell me that what I did wasn’t good. He would tell me all the ways I was wrong, and rarely would tell me all the ways I was right.
I started to feel scared about expressing my thoughts and feelings toward him. I was in fear of an argument, a disagreement, him yelling at me. He made me feel so small, so often. I would tell him that, too. He would just tell me I was being too sensitive; it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t responsible to how I felt or how I reacted. I believed it. I started thinking that I was crazy. How could he, such a great guy, hurt me? He couldn’t. It was my fault for being so emotional – see, he would tell me how I was “ruled by my emotions,” and I would argue that, I would tell him maybe I was, but that that doesn’t invalidate my arguments, my beliefs, my thoughts, or my feelings.
He would never, I mean never, let me be right. I was always in the wrong – and let me tell you, being in the wrong so often messes with your confidence. A lot. I started becoming defensive. Very, very defensive. I ached to be right. There were times that I made sound arguments, had sound beliefs and did sound actions, and he would just disregard them. Demean them. Make them less, make them seem stupid. I thought I was doing everything wrong, I couldn’t do anything right for the life of me. He corrected me for my behavior, would tell me what I should do. He would do this and then he would tell me, “It’s for your betterment. This is for you, this is good for you. Don’t you want to be right? Aren’t you striving to be perfect?” Well, yeah. I was, I still am. But I could only be right or perfect the way he wanted me to be right or perfect. I started to feel so disgustingly low about myself. I was no good. Everything I did was bad, everything I said was wrong. I felt like I was nothing, inferior – especially to him.
I got tired of the friendship. I didn’t like the arguments or how he made me feel (even though, according to him, how I felt was my responsibility – not his). I didn’t like any of it. I felt like a child next to him. I didn’t think of myself positively. I was tired of every mistake of mine being pointed out, every flaw being acknowledged, the pressure that I felt. I couldn’t handle it anymore. So, I left.
When I stopped talking to him, I felt like my mind was free. I felt like there was a cage, like a jail cell, squeezed tight around my mind that was being lifted away. I felt relieved to think anything I wanted to think and believe anything I wanted to believe. I became uncomfortable. I felt like it went against my self-induced “training” of holding my breath, keeping my thoughts to myself, restricting myself from being me. I was no longer the girl he wanted me to be, or the girl he was forming me into. I was -- me. And I didn’t know what to do. When my friends disagreed with me, I felt defensive. When I wronged them, I was ready for criticism and attack. I felt deserving of being reprimanded, yelled at. I waited for it. When they didn’t raise their voice or curse at me, like I had gotten used to, I would ask them why they didn’t.
I am still working through everything I experienced and how that friendship changed me. There are websites that have lists of things that are signs of emotional abuse, but I urge you to not go down each list and use it as a checklist. I urge you to use it as validation. If you have this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, or a hurting mind because you feel like your friend or partner isn’t allowing you growth or individuality, use the lists as guides to what you are experiencing. It is scary to admit to, hard to live with, but it happens. I feel like it is my fault that this happened. I feel this everyday. “How could I let someone do this to me? How could I allow myself to be controlled in such a way?” are just a few questions that I have.
Sometimes, I feel doubt. Like, maybe I wasn’t mentally or emotionally abused, maybe I am just too emotional and sensitive. Maybe I’m reading in to this too much. But then I take a step back, and I remember all the people who were concerned about me because I stopped being myself, and I realize that maybe I did experience this. I am still processing this. Everyday, I think about something new or process something old.
My advice to you is to really take a second to assess the relationship. How do you feel in it? Try talking to the person about what you are feeling – I did that a lot. He never took the blame or responsibility for my emotions or thoughts. Put yourself first. Toxic relationships aren’t good! You deserve the world and then some. Separate yourself. Know that you aren’t to blame, which is especially hard in emotional abuse situations. It’s easy to take the blame, “Oh, I just was too emotional that day. I have been sleep-deprived and am taking everything way too sensitively. Really, they are a good person. This is my fault for letting this happen.” These are all bad thoughts, understandable thoughts, but not true thoughts. Emotional abuse is scary because, over time, it collapses one’s self-worth personal value, and perception of themselves. It attacks from the inside, sometimes leaving mental scars and insecurities.
Lastly, know that people are here to help you, and you are worth all the help! You are going to be OK.
