Well, this was fun. Really fun. This was all just a great, unexpected surprise. I'm very proud of myself. You’re a sexy man, Donald, you’re so smart and you’re always one step ahead and you’re so sexy. All those people out there in the world, they had no idea that you had it in you. They laughed and they made their stupid little lame jokes, and now look, you’re so sexy…and you made it this far. So far. So great. It’s been great. I feel happy. It’s been great. I feel great. I’m so sexy. I’m so great. This country had no idea. The universe doesn’t know what hit it. The universe…
I wonder if there’s aliens. That would be scary.
I humiliated that woman, that old woman, she’s so old, so old. Those lines on her face. She looked like my lunch bag when I was in school. So old. I nearly beat her ass. I did. I scared them. What’s her name? I can’t remember. What is it? What do they say on the TV… ‘Things got particularly nasty last night in the final debate between that sexy ass Trump and that old woman….’ What is it? ‘…that old woman…’ I think it starts with a K.
(SPEAKS OUTLOUD TO ONE OF HIS AIDES)
Trump: What woman did I humiliate?
Aide: Ummmm…
Trump: No, the main one.
Aide: Megyn Kelly?
Trump: No, she’s the hot one. The other main one.
Aide: …Clinton?
Trump: Yeah.
(BACK TO THOUGHTS)
Clinton! Was on the tip of my tongue.
Hey, there’s that guy who’s running my campaign. He’s pointing. What’s he pointing at? Oh, it’s the TV! AND THERE’S MY FACE! He’s pointing at my face on the TV. I love being on TV. Being on TV is great. I miss The Apprentice.
What’s going on? I’m beating her? Holy shit! I’m beating her. They’re telling me that I’m beating her. The country actually wants me to be their leader. This is actually happening. I need to be smart. Those numbers say I’m beating her. They’re all surprised. I can’t act surprised. I said we would win. And we did win. Okay. I can do this.
Wow, our country looks good in red.
We are gonna win. All those states. They’re all voting for me. Act calm. Smile. Only slightly. Yeah, just slightly. If someone comes up to congratulate you, or hug you, don’t say anything and just be cool. Be cool and sexy. You knew this would happen. Look at at all that red. Oh, yeah. I’m so good. I’m so sexy. I’m winning. I am so gonna win. I am gonna move into the White House and I am gonna make that shit gold.
OMG. Hello America, say hello to President Trump.
(A FEW DAYS LATER, MOMENTS AFTER BEING GIVEN AN INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING)
What have I done? What the hell just happened? Did they say we have aliens? That we've captured aliens? I'm gonna have to fight aliens. This is the worst day ever. Even worse than that day I burnt my steak.
I'm never cooking again.
