Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault

This traumatic event changed my 15-year-old self forever, both physically and mentally. Although this experience prompted one of the darkest periods of my youth, I refuse to let it define the rest of my life. Almost three years after my assault, I have finally found the strength to share what happened to me. Not to scare others but rather to find support amongst fellow survivors. It started off as any other trip but by the end, I would come back without a piece of myself.

One gloomy June morning, my parents and I departed for Pennsylvania for my sister’s college graduation. We arrived the night before the ceremony, which also happened to be the last senior party of campus. My sister insisted I come and since my parents assumed she would be with me the entire night, they decided to let me go. I was so overjoyed. Being 15 at a college party was something I would get to brag about to my friends for weeks to come. I quickly changed into a long-sleeved shirt and black leggings, smeared some lip gloss on and headed on my way.

Everything started out great, we were playing beer pong with her friends and that was when I was introduced to him. My sister’s best friend brought along his younger brother to the party as well and although he was 19, we were paired together for the remainder of the games as we were the only younger siblings there. The night progressed and I was having so much fun playing beer pong and flip cup, gradually getting more and more intoxicated without even realizing it. This was the first night ever that I had so much alcohol available to me. Since I was still in high school, I seized this rare opportunity and embraced it to the fullest!

Or so I thought.

Because I was getting along so well with the other younger sibling, my sister left me to hang out with her boyfriend and I understood as it was her last night on her college campus.

This is the part when things became blurry. I still do not know whether my drink was spiked or whether it was the effects of the alcohol but from that point on, my memory remains in fragments. I remember it being very late at night and wanting to go to the room I was staying in, which was across the hall from my sister’s room. I made my way there and he followed me in. I was too drunk to comprehend why he was still there so I let him stay in the room. The next thing I remember is being on the twin bed and could hear his voice in the background saying something which I could not understand. I realized it was almost early morning by then and saw that my clothes had been taken off. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. It was as if I was paralyzed. I remember looking out the window to a beautiful quad with trees and seeing a family walking there and wishing they could see me. I don’t know what happened.

After he fell asleep, I couldn’t get up so I laid there for a few hours. When I regained the ability to get up, I climbed over his body gathered my clothes and ran. I went into the bathroom and that was when I knew. There was blood. I started shaking and started to cry uncontrollably. The physical trauma was evident and my body was reacting, but I couldn’t wrap my head around what happened. I left to find my sister and when I did, all I could do was get into her bed and lay there. At the time, I didn’t want to ruin her graduation day so I kept to myself, wearing sunglasses the whole day and smiling when I needed to. The sequence of events which came after my rape were horrible. It took me weeks to get the courage to tell my parents because of the shame I felt. With the love and support I unexpectedly received, I was finally able to start the healing process.