Unless you live under a rock, you have had a relationship with a narcissist. These larger than life peacocks sweep you off your feet. They look and dress better than you, they know more than you, and they will tell you their stories of success and unimaginable feats of wonder. They wine and dine, they are the perfect gentleman. But before you know it, they are sucking the energy out of the room at your expense.

Well, what is a narcissist? A narcissist is a person who egotistically loves his or her own attributes. The term was derived from the Greek god Narcissus who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissists, like psychopaths, have parasitic tendencies (and the two psychological disorders are most certainly not mutually exclusive). Narcissists are people who were often abused as children and then developed a self-obsessed and grandiose sense of self to overcompensate for past emotional trauma. To say the least, they are not well-adjusted. There are plenty of people out there who were abused as children and are now well-adjusted adults, but not the narcissist! Unlike psychopaths who will damage people for personal gain, narcissists use people for narcissistic supply. Narcissists find a space and a supply for their egotism to blossom, and when their supply runs out, they go elsewhere. Like a heat seeking missile they will find more supply, just make sure that supply is not you and your life.

You’ve seen it all before! The couple walking in the mall together, a well groomed and “put-together” guy with a disheveled woman by his side, she is wearing a frumpy sweater with the “perma-tired” look on her face. You have asked yourself: What does that beautiful man see in that woman? She is so frumpy, she is so grumpy, and those bags under her eyes, Dear Lord! Why doesn’t that wonderful man find someone as beautiful as he? (Especially in our society where men often pair off with women who are far more attractive than they are). Probably because he is a narcissist who obtains his narcissistic supply from his somatic superiority in the relationship, or he is looking for a replacement for his mom, one or the other.

There are two types of narcissists, cerebral and somatic narcissists. Cerebral narcissists obtain their narcissistic supply from their intellect. These narcissists believe in their genius and seek out relationships with people who bow down to their brilliance. Somatic narcissists (soma means “body” in Latin) are people who derive their narcissistic supply from their looks. Although this is somewhat of an aside, it is my personal belief that there are higher concentrations of cerebral narcissists on the East Coast of the United States and more somatic narcissists on the West Coast. This is because many intellectuals congregate around the major universities on the East Coast and Hollywood hopefuls who are primarily focused on their looks tend to flock to California in droves. It could also be because the weather forces people to be more sedentary and academic on the Northern portion of the East Coast while on the West Coast the weather permits more outdoor activity and athletic activity.

So the next time you are at a party and a dapper dan introduces himself with an air of superiority and a self-assured nature that sets your eyes-a-fluttering and eye lashes-a-batting, think twice before you think he’s nice. Perhaps he’s a narcissist in disguise looking for some supply, like a heroin addict on a Wednesday night.