I come from a big family. Not big enough to illicit us having our own television show, mind you. Although I sincerely think we should because it would be far better than some dirty, cheap, weirdly religious show with 19 kids and a child molester, but whatever, I'm not resentful. Back to more important things, for instance, me. I am the second oldest of seven children and I can not tell you how many times I have gotten dirty looks in grocery stores or school plays because some nosy soccer mom named Brenda thinks that my three youngest siblings are actually my kids.
Talking about my siblings gets confusing because when I say "my brother", I know exactly which brother I am talking about, but to anyone who is listening they don't know which one it is, I've got four of them so they only have a 25% chance of guessing correctly. Or, more often than not, they don't say anything and assume that I am talking about the same brother every time because it's just too confusing to try and figure out which one I am talking about.
"My brother loves that game."
"Which one? Nick?"
"No, Josh"
"That's the one with the glasses, right?"
"No, Josh is the one who fixed your computer last week."
"Really? I though that one was Johnny. Who's the one that just graduated college?"
"That's Christopher"
"He's the one with the glasses, right?"
"No, Johnny wears the gasses. I have to go pick my sister up from school quick"
"Wait, which sister?"
School is a drag because your teacher just talks about your sibling and how great they were in their class. They constantly call you the wrong name and ask how your sibling is doing. You end up being dragged to every one of their sporting events and Christmas concerts. And although there's a lot of complaining, there's a secret pride for their accomplishments and they always have the biggest cheering section. Just about everything is a hand me down and never fits quite right, you still sneak into your sibling's room and grab some of their clothes that still don't fit right, but "looks better on you, anyway."
When any of us kids mentions how many of us there are, we immediately refer them over to our FAQ page (that we don't actually have, but we ought to consider making one.) People can actually be kind of rude and ask what could be very personal questions just so they can sate their unquenchable thirst for some cheap gossip.
"Are you guys Catholic?" No.
"All from the same two people?" Indeed we are.
"How much money do your parents make to support you guys?" As it turns out, I don't know that answer because I, unlike you, understand that it's in poor taste to ask someone that.
"Just our tax dollars going to someone who can't keep their legs closed." Okay, listen here. My parents are wonderful people and if you keep that attitude up I'm gonna break your legs.
The thing about big families is that they can be the best thing on planet Earth, and they can also not be the best thing on planet Earth. It just depends on the day. It is true what they say though, you are, in fact, never lonely. A friend is just a bedroom away, and an arch enemy is just a crumpled up Draw 4 card away. (No, but for real, we take Uno and paper football really seriously.) If you want to practice a speech because you're nervous in front of crowds, you can stand in front of the table while we're eating dinner and practice on us. You can also get over the fear of being "booed" of stage because big families are going to roast the hell out of anything you do, including speeches. Big families give you the confidence to speak out because you need a loud voice to be heard over everyone else. They give you lessons in quick thinking because if you hesitate, that pizza is going to be gone before you make a decision. They teach teamwork, because Mom is mad and we need to get this house clean before she comes home.
The other great things about bug families is that you've always got someone in your corner. I can talk about what a brat my sister is but the moment you open your mouth to talk bad about her, we're going to have a problem. Nick and I can argue and I can get irritated with him, but you can't. You are not a part of the exclusive Rainey family club. Y'all don't get the same perks. You can't get mad at any of my brothers or sisters because as far as I am concerned and, for your safety, as far as you're concerned too, they are the most wonderful human beings to be brought to life.
