What is love? And no, the answer is not, “Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more” as sung by Haddaway. Now, I don’t claim to be any type of love expert. I have no perfect understanding of love, and maybe I never will. But after almost four years of dating the same, wonderful girl, I may have at least a slightly better idea of what love is supposed to be.
After being together so long, my girlfriend and I have certainly been blessed with wonderful memories, all of which I would never trade for anything in the world. Yet no relationship is completely free of strife, and indeed, we have had our fair share of “intense disagreements” or, to put it bluntly, fights. Fights are a common cause for breakups, and it’s easy to see why. Fights bring up ill feeling toward each other, and many times words are said that are purely out of anger rather than truth. Feelings are hurt, and then the love one may have for the other person can begin to be questioned.
These moments of conflict, however, are when I believe love is seen and defined.
Real love is seen during hardships. It’s the conscious decision to stay, to not give up. The choice to not leave even while being in a fight with someone expresses the statement of, “I love you too much to leave. This fight will not make me leave because I care for you more than I care about myself.” For my girlfriend and me, to have stayed together as long as we have, with as many fights as we’ve endured, presents me with the real hope that maybe we have found love. We made the choice to stay, even though it would have been much easier to leave.
Yet, it seems to me that there is another aspect to this defining of love. My love for her causes me to stay and to want to work things out, no matter what it takes. But we have not stayed together for so long solely because of my desire to be with her. It takes the effort of both of us to make the relationship last. If, theoretically, she ever lost the energy or the care for the relationship and wanted to break up, I would, of course, give my best effort to salvage our relationship. However, if the relationship was beyond saving, this is where I feel the other aspect of love is seen. I would want her to leave me with the hopes that she will find the person who is right for her, the one who will make her happiest.
For me, real love is not a guarantee that you receive something positive in return for what you put in. Real, genuine love is caring for that individual, wanting what is best for them, even if this results in heartache for yourself. I believe this example of genuine love extends beyond just romantic relationships and could be applied to friendships and familial interactions. Love goes beyond one’s self.
What is love? My experience over the past nearly four years leads me to believe the real answer is that love is when you care for, worry about and do the best for an individual even if they do hurt you, in opposition to Haddaway’s own idea. Regardless of what the true answer is, there is not a doubt in my mind that it is a beautiful paradox, where love is simultaneously the greatest joy and the greatest pain that makes us human.
