It's a sad time when it's generally accepted that the two main presidential candidates are some of the most awful, poorly qualified applicants for the job. It gets even sadder when you realize it is your duty to intentionally vote for a shitty candidate just so an even shittier one doesn't get elected.

We aren't electing a president who will do the most good, but rather the one who will do less harm. It's a terrible situation to be in, but this is what happens when you don't vote for Bernie. But beyond that it seems, at least to me, it is foolish to choose our next president based on their platform because I expect absolutely nothing productive to get done.

As a result, it only seems fitting that we choose our next president solely based on idiotic and superficial reasons. Here are six factors you should consider when voting for the next president of the most powerful country in the free world.

1. Best fart face

This is a really hard one. Trump's fart looks like it could be really hearty and powerful, but don't sleep on Clinton - hers seems like it has the potential to be wet and powerful. As a result, I think her fart face will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies and end conflicts much quicker than Trump's fart face can. This one goes to Hillary.

2. Best hair

Clinton's highlights are great, but Trump is sporting a lion's mane. It is seamlessly held in place by some sort of gel made from the tears of poor families and Axe's "Firm Hold" gel. You could secretly fit a few small mammals in there and nobody but his hairstylist would be the wiser. Who doesn't want a president who provides a safe home for some woodland critters? This round goes to Trump.

3. Who can fit the most jolly ranchers in their mouth at one time?

Just like the other rounds, this one is such a toss-up. I'm pretty sure Trump has the driest mouth of all time, and his tongue might be made of sandpaper. There is no way he can get any saliva on those little candies and without it, an excess of jolly ranchers will cause some mouth sores. I really think slick talking Hillary has this one. In my heart of hearts I think Hillary can hold her ground on this one. 2-1, Hillary.

4. Best hands

OK, this one is definitely unfair. We all know Trump has the hands of a toddler who wears gloves while playing to keep his hands pristine. Or maybe a weasel who plays in an enclosure made of bubble wrap. The point I'm trying to make is that Trump can't win this round. I'm not saying Hillary has man hands, but she could strip the bark off a tree by lightly brushing her hands up against its trunk. Hillary, 3-1.

5. Easy on the eyes?

Hillary has the kind of eyes that you get lost in, because she might be stealing your soul. That's probably why Bill doesn't have a personality. Trump's eyes give you that look of innocence, and by innocence I mean he knows nothing about how anything works. But that's better than a Dementor. Hillary - 3, Trump - 2.

6. Best Smile

Many people talk about this as an important psychological factor in the people's choice for president. Somehow a great smile causes others to believe that the person is trustworthy or important. Hillary's natural smile is one of the scariest things on earth. If an ordinary person ever smiles at you the way Hillary does, then run! When Trump smiles, he looks like that one kid at a party who is very confused about why everyone is cheering, but smiles and laughs along to not be singled out. Trump sort of wins by default. Hillary - 3, Trump - 3.

A tie? How can this be settled?

Honestly, a coin flip. Just flip it and live with the result. You will be harming others regardless of which candidate you vote for, so just go ahead. To be honest, those six factors didn't even need to be accounted for to make the right decision here. As a society we have stalled our own progress because many didn't feel ready to the many changes Bernie Sanders promised, and as a result, we can expect these next few years to be almost the same as the last - underwhelming.