Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? We were sitting in this crowded, loud bar, full of screaming, drunk people and music. You sat facing me at the bar, put your hands on my legs and you told me you loved me. At that very moment, no matter how many people were screaming, laughing, crying, dancing, falling over drunk, all I could think about was you and those words. “I love you.” I’ve heard that from a few different people and none of them made me feel as whole as you. From then on, that is what you are in my life. The part that makes me whole. The calm in the storm, the clarity in the chaos and one of the missing pieces to my soul. A hundred voices surrounded us and you’re all I could hear.
I remember the first time I knew I loved you. You were leaving this party we were at and I surely did not want you to go. You grabbed my face and said “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you” and you walked away; leaving me utterly speechless and in love. I’ve also said those three words to a few people before, but I’ve never meant it like this. For once I didn’t love someone because they loved me first. I didn’t fall in love with someone because they were the right choice, the safe choice or the one who flooded me with compliments. For once I didn’t fall in love with someone because I was lonely, broken, scared to be alone and completely infatuated with the fact that I took up their attention. I fell in love with you, because you were the someone who saw me differently. You saw through my faults, struggles, heartache, imperfections and found grace inside them. I fell in love with you, because I couldn’t wait to figure out who that person you were looking at, was.
How lucky I was that you weren’t looking for a bright and vibrate star. You were okay with a dull and half broken one; you loved that troubled star anyway. When we first started dating, I was fun, bright and full of love and laughter. Over time, things changed and you saw me for who I was, under the mask and armor. You saw me take off the entirely too heavy shield, lift off my helmet and lower my sword, showing you the vulnerable, half-broken, sometimes sad girl I am. You continue to find the girl under the armor beautiful as well, no matter how inside my own head I am. How lucky I was that you needed someone to lift you out of the life you were living and hiding in. That you were looking for your missing piece; the one to believe in you and help guide your days. How lucky I am that from day one, you’ve never let me hide. You have constantly been trying to pull me out of my own mind and heartache, that you’ve been making me a better person every day. Through every day that you help me, you find more of yourself also. You were looking for something you didn’t think existed, but it does, in me.
Through all the heartbreak and disappointment I have faced in trying to find the one who would respect me, my thoughts and choices, really believe in me and my strength, know that I am capable of anything I put my mind to and the person that truly finds me beautiful in every way that I am and that I am not, I found you. A boy that has been in my life since I was 15-years-old. The boy who has protected me, mended my sad heart once or twice, been my strength and backbone through grieving, the lost boy I once worried about every single day. I worried that you’d never find someone that would love you like you deserved. I worried that you would never find your way, be wholeheartedly happy and have to struggle every day of your life. I worried that you were going to stay back with your friends, instead of truly allowing yourself to find the girl of your dreams. You proved me wrong and made my worrying stop, lost boy. You have grown into a man I hope to love forever. You have shown me that I was your missing piece and the smile that the realization of that brought to your face, heart and soul, I will never forget. I am proud of the person I am, even on my darkest day, because you show me that I am the reason you are still here.
What everyone needs to know is this: true love, real love, unconditional love without limits, expectations or restrictions does exist. The person you are meant to laugh with forever is somewhere out there, or for me, right under my nose the whole time. Timing is absolutely everything and my love for my lost boy proved that to me. You need to be at a place in your life where you’re ready to open up to love. Hell, I sure did not think I was in the mental state for any of it and neither did he. He went through a lot in his life to get to the point where he could be loved. He made choices, fought through the dark and stood in the light that day we first saw each other, after so many years apart. That is timing and fate at work, I just know it. So, wait for it. It’s worth it.
I do not believe in the cliche words, “you need to love yourself before you can love someone else,” because I do not wholeheartedly love myself and neither does he. We are going to spend our lives trying to find ourselves, love ourselves and build ourselves, while being the best team possible, together. Love is about growth and learning who you are inside of it and outside of it. You will test limits, struggle and fight, but when you come out on top, a little less of you will be broken, each time. True love is about mending the broken pieces of your soul and filling them with laughter, joy and the strength that has come from yourself and the person you love. The right love has taught me that and I sincerely hope you all find it.
