Now that I have drawn you in, get ready because this article is not what you think.
If someone was to look at my track record of roommate situations they would likely start to question what is wrong with me. I, on the other hand, would likely be out trying to justify my actions. But the truth is, I am the roommate everyone runs away from.
I have talked down on my roommates...
judged them...
talked about them behind their backs....
tried to manipulate them...
robbed them of their joy...
left them when they needed me....
brushed off situations that I know I should have apologized for...
used them to get ahead in my life...
Even sitting here right now I have people mad at me for my own selfishness. So let me start by saying I am sorry. To all of my old roommates, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve the pain, manipulation, and heartbreak that I put you through.
I think so much of what I said and did was out a deep dark place in my heart that I haven't fully given to Christ. I may say that I have but I really haven't. You see, the truth is, I don't know Christ's love. I try, really, I do. But I fail to see it every. single. day. So instead I replace it with the idea of "love" that I have chosen to accept. It comfortable and fleeting.
It's the most conditional love ever possible. " If you don't do this then...." "I don't like when you...." "This has nothing to do with me..."
So let me stop myself... and can I just say that it will likely be a very long time before I really do understand how to love you the way you need to be loved.
But for now.... I am going to pursue you with every ounce of my being with patience, forgiveness, love, even love without condition.
There will be nights where I fail to do so. There will be nights where I blame you.
But please forgive me. I am a fallen creature.
Will you help me? Can you give me the same unconditional love that I will try to give you? I need you.
At 12am when I am pulling my hair out over this paper, I need you to tell me I can do it. When I come home from a busy day, I need you to give me a hug and say I love you. It may not be natural for you but it is okay, ill take whatever you will give me. And I'll do the same for you.
Again, for those of you who have lived with me or for anyone who felt I did more harm then good, forgive me. I really do love you. I really do cherish our time together. And, more than anything in the world, I wish I could have loved you better.
As I keep pursuing the Lord, I pray that He reminds me of His beautiful way of loving His people. He loves you, and so do I. <3
