So, you have a lot stuff.
Somehow, over the years, you’ve accumulated enough to sustain the lifestyle of a small village.
It’s fine.
It’s all valuable.
It all has sentimental value.
You need everything.
Don’t worry, I feel you. I am with you. Because, like, aren’t we all hoarders really? Maybe it’s hoarding emotional baggage or memories from the past, or those impossibly-difficult little sauce packets. We’re all in the same boat, right? Ish? Or at least swimming in the same ocean?
There is absolutely no shame in being a collector of fine goods (that’s what I like to call myself). Here’s a diagnosis process and ways to cope with all the hate against PHC, potential hoarding condition:
Part I: The Signs & The Rationale
Your friends forbid you from going to any dump-and-runs and when they’re lenient and allow it, they limit how many things you can take. Regardless, they keep their distance because they’re embarrassed to be seen with you when you’re enthusiastically chanting that you’re searching for treasures. Oh sweet candle holders, let me treasure youuuuuu
When you go to Goodwill, you end up coming home with even more stuff than you donated to them. But it’s for a good cause, so in reality, me buying all those vintage lampshades is just me being a proactive and concerned citizen. You’re welcome.
You have stacks of magazines that amount to probably more reading than you’ve ever read thus far in your life. I’m saving those for when I have time. But, probably by the time you get around to reading them (if you ever do), the tabloids and news will be long irrelevant. But for now, they’re decorative! They look so artsy next to that broken alarm clock I got the other day...see — multipurpose!
You’ve never thrown out any of those plastic grocery bags, and tell everyone it’s because you’re keeping them out of the landfills and saving ocean wildlife. But, it’s really because there might come a day where they’ll come in handy. What if there’s a fire in the apartment and I need to tie those together to swing myself out the window? Boy Scouts know what’s up: always be prepared.
You have a draw full of fortune cookie fortunes, because who knows when you’ll need to consult the fortune cookie prophets in your life. Very important. The world is such a strange and unpredictable place; can’t count on anyone or anything except my fortunes — gotta keep those close.
Same with those Snapple bottle caps. Please, you’re going to criticize me for wanting to educate myself with these trivia facts? What has the world come to that a girl can’t even want to know the average number of color receptors in an ostrich’s eye without being judged? Really, it’s you who ought to be ashamed.
You’ve ever kept a broken appliance, with thoughts of eventually fixing it or breaking it down for parts. Or even better, if you’ve got a drawer filled with miscellaneous nuts and bolts that you’ve found lying around at home or even on the streets. One day, I’ll get around to fixing that toaster, and that day will be a very happy day because I will have a new toaster then. And who knows, I may need this screw I found at the park to fix it. Might as well keep it, too.
Part II: Living at Peace
If you refuse to seek treatment and choose to embrace the hoarder’s lifestyle, you’re going to have to accept that sacrifices have to be made and some adjustments will be necessary. For instance, if you insist on keeping all those single socks whose matching pair you’ll one day find, you better start hoarding that cash, too. Storage space isn’t cheap, and if you want to keep all that precious booty close to your person, you’re sure as hell going to need plenty of square footage at home.
Part III: How to Avoid Judgment
Keep organized, hide your sh*t, and avoid all related conversation.
“Whoa, why do you have that bin full of used batteries?”
Swerve, swerve, swerve
“Whattttt, but the Biebs smacking the shit out of that reporter though. Why hasn’t he been deported yet again?”
Whew, bullet dodged.
If you’re trapped, just roll out some crap about wanting to start an antique collection for "Storage Wars" or "Pawn Stars," because, let’s be real, that sh*t sells.
Honestly, what's the wrong in finding value in everything? So I appreciate the finer things and you don’t. You don’t see me all up in your business. So why you all up in my grill?? But if you want one, let me know — I got four.
