I am one of those people where every part of them is tied up in the other… If I am spiritually sick or even dying- I feel that physically. This can manifest in many ways, many of you who know me know that it most often manifests in feeling nauseous. If I have done something to hurt someone… I literally vomit.
Long story short, my recent life has found itself in quite a few strange places; those types of places people are tempted to pray they would never face. You know the type- The places that causes you to binge on Evanescence Pandora while laying in your bed crying yourself to sleep- Even worse, the places to cause you to feel completely empty inside.
Unfortunately, people often mistake that emptiness for a lack of trust in God. That is something I will address in another much necessitated article… for now, all I will say is that I found myself tearfully begging God to utilize me and to fill me. I begged God to feel like I was worth being in this world.
One of these times I found myself tearfully begging God was because I realized I needed to let go of a relationship. Here is where this idea of my spiritual pain manifesting comes into place… ever since I started talking to this person again I found myself vomiting multiple times a day, and feeling nauseous the rest of the day. One day, it all came to a pinnacle. I found myself being yelled at by this person who supposedly loved me. I found myself being told that not only was I doing everything I could for them, but it wasn’t enough… I found myself constantly vomiting while driving down the freeway at 70 mph.. I was terrified out of my mind, crying, praying, and hoping for the end of it all. Not only is that massively unsafe, there was literally no place to pull over.
I don’t want to go into why they were yelling at me because the reason I am writing this article is to explain how it can feel to go through the hardest goodbyes. I know I don’t have that many talents and that I have a great number of faults. One of my greatest talents AND, no doubt a great faults is that I can never say goodbye.
No matter what a person has done to me… I literally talk to people who have physically hit me for no reason, I will pray for and be there for every single person I can. The only way I can convince myself to leave is if I think it is in the best interest of another human. How is it, you ask, that I can be “bitched” at ( to utilize their verbiage) over and over again and still love people more than life itself? It is easy to me…
When I look at people, all I see is the beautiful things God has put in them.
This, though is not at all what I am writing about… I am writing about those goodbyes that are the hardest. I recently said goodbye to this person, not because they were angry at me, or it was bad. I did it for a few reasons… One, I was asked to. Two, That person loved me more than anything else, they would lay their life down for me in less than it takes for the heart to beat once. It was killing them that I couldn’t offer the same type of love. I would do anything for them, I love them more than almost anyone and anything. Yet, I couldn’t offer the one thing they wanted.
This goodbye is by far the hardest I have ever had to give. I feel not only nauseous but like there is no heart left to break. I feel as if every part of my insides are gone and all that is left is this hollow shell once more. Emptiness. Pain. Fear. That is all that is there at this very moment
Yet, I must overcome it because I know that person better than I know myself sometimes. That person would tell me that not existing is not an option… that I have to live because there are people who love me more than life itself. They would tell me that I am beautiful… usually these things would mean nothing to me… but knowing they are coming from that person meant everything. That person was my best friend, and sincerely believed I was beautiful. That I was worth it. They believed all of those things. They could make me believe those things, if even, only for a complexing moment. IT was worth it.
Having that person in my life and losing them, is the near to the worst pain I can imagine. The worst earthly pain; having people like that and causing them pain.
It is worth a goodbye?
Is it worth all this pain?
You tell me…
Is saying goodbye to the people you love worth it?
Are the hardest goodbyes ever worth it?
