I remember a conversation with my roommate during my freshman year of college. She was obsessed with the TV show Army Wives , and we were talking about the reality of being a military spouse. She said she could do it, I said I would never be able to.
I never pictured this life for myself. I never thought that in my first year of marriage, I'd see my husband for less than three months. I never imagined living 500 miles away from my husband, even when he was stateside. But here I am, married at 22 to a United States Marine, this is my reality. I was talking about the downsides of being a military spouse with the wives of my husband's unit, and here are some of the hardest trials we face:
1. You say "see you later" a lot.
In the 2.5 years I've been with my husband, I've probably only spent about one full year physically with him. Between training, trips and deployment, we say see you later pretty often. And I still cry almost every time.
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2. Getting asked, "How do you do it?"
Honestly, I don't know...a lot of alcohol? Just kidding. I try not to think about it. There isn't anything special about the way I handle separation. I just do, because I love him enough to do it.
3. You are almost constantly in fear.
Even if your husband isn't in a danger zone there are always the "what-ifs". The lack of communication only intensifies your fears.
4. Feeling lonely.
And not just because you are 5,000 miles away from your husband, but because none of your friends understand. As a military wife we find ourselves as the third or even fifth wheel fairly often. When your friends and family say "I really wish your husband could be here," you just nod because you wish it more than anything, too.
5. Constant counting down.
Whether you are counting down the days till' he leaves or till' he comes home, you are counting down something. The days are always numbered. And sometimes, you feel relieved when he goes because then you can start the happy countdown to the homecoming.
6. Being in the dark about "specifics."
There is a lot of dealing with the unknown in the military. Explaining this to your family is really difficult. It seems like every time they call, they ask the same questions, "When is he coming home?" and "When will you get to talk next?". And you have to say, “sorry, I still don’t know.”
7. You can’t plan very far in advance.
Who knows where you’ll be in a few weeks? Will he be working days, nights? Will he have duty? And vacations? Just forget it. Even if he has enough leave saved up, he has to go see his family before you get on a plane headed for the Caribbean.
8. Having people try to relate to you.
They mean well, they really do. But nothing is more frustrating when a friend says, “I completely understand, my boyfriend went away for business for two weeks this summer, it was horrible.” While I understand that any time away from your spouse sucks, having a man in the military means 6-7 month deployments, limited contact, fear of danger, and praying the WiFi in whatever desolate location he’s in works.
9. Time zones and bizarre work schedules ruin everything.
Have important news? Did your car break down and you aren’t sure what’s wrong? Or, in worst-case scenarios, is there a family emergency? You can’t just pick up the phone and call him. Even if he happens to be off work, he’s probably asleep because he’s 8 hours ahead of you.
10. Putting your career plans on hold.
Sometimes being with your husband is just more important. Luckily for me, we haven't had to move around too much yet, but according to friends, sometimes this means taking a job you are overqualified for just because you move around so much.
I haven’t had kids yet, but here are some amazing additions by some of the moms with Marine husbands...
11. Putting your pain on the back burner for the sake of your kids.
“I personally have found this super hard for me because both of mine are young and don't understand why daddy keeps coming and going for long periods of time.” – Olivia Griffin
12. Learning to be a single parent, even though you aren’t.
“Having to be the one who has to call into work or leave early because your child is sick, has to be picked up by a certain time or not having a babysitter for the days there isn't school. When your boss doesn't understand that you truly have no choice. I also feel like I'm letting my coworkers down.” – Jennifer Bullen Campbell
13. Not being able to explain to your little ones why their parent is gone.
“Watching my infant wait by the door every day for 2 weeks because she thought daddy was coming home. Then once she realized he wasn't she got extreme separation anxiety. I couldn't walk more than 5 or 6 steps away from her without a complete breakdown on her part. It's heartbreaking.” – Danielle Reasonover
At the end of the day, it's not about being able to say your a military wife, in fact sometimes I really wish we just had a normal relationship. But even though it's really hard, I'll do it forever if I have to.
