Jealousy. We all have some. Some more than others. Some vocalize it more than others. Whether it be material objects, someone's attention, someone's job, someone's relationship. We all have a bit of jealousy inside of ourselves whether we care to admit it or not. It's what we do with that jealousy that really matters.
A couple years ago if you were to ask me if I was a jealous person, I would laugh and say yes. If you were to ask me the same question today, I would still laugh and say yes. Nothing has changed—it's always there, probably always will be. Over the years, I've struggled with what I am to do with all this jealousy. I've tried telling people about it. I've tried keeping it in hoping no one would notice. Both are just as equally painful.
For a while, I tried to figure out where it came from. It didn't just knock on my door one day, it grew from somewhere that I didn't want to look. It didn't knock on the door and ask to be let in, it was growing under the floorboards for years. I just didn't want to take notice of it until it was breaking the foundation that I worked so hard to build.
I will be the first to tell you that I am a flawed person. I am far from perfect. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and everything that I touch breaks and everything I say comes out wrong. I know I'm not the smartest or the prettiest or the most fun person in the world but I do know that I am me. I am me. And that is all that I am ever going to be is me. Alyssa. The girl who likes coffee after supper, and loves staying up late watching movies, who bites her nails and has a nervous tick of touching her face too much and then complains when her face breaks out. A girl who stuffs her face full of food that isn't good for you and is too cautious when she feels like she is having too much fun. A girl who is afraid to get close to other people because she is afraid of not being liked by everyone. A girl who is just trying to figure out how to be herself and be happy and make others happy at the same time.
In moments of jealousy, I try to take a step back from myself. Look at myself from another person's perspective. Am I that unhappy with myself that I attempt to destroy everything around me because I don't deserve it? Maybe. Does the world and people around me suck so much that it makes me feel like I will never be good enough? Maybe. I refuse to let my jealousy take over my life. I refuse to live in a house that has a broken foundation because of my wrongdoing. I refuse to have the green eyed monster turn me into something that I am not. I am me, and it's okay to just be me.
