"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself are altered" -Nelson Mandela

This Christmas break, as I was rocking out to KC & The Sunshine Band, dancing and cooking breakfast, it struck me how different that picture would have looked four years ago. Where now there is dancing and laughter, there once was anxiety and sadness. The same kitchen where my plate sat on the counter, is the same counter I sat on the first time I ever cut myself. It's funny how things work out. I remember when my parents found out, the look of fear on their faces as they drove me to a counseling center. I remember the worry in their voices as I confessed my mind was consumed by thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore. Every day was filled with a darkness so heavy I could barely hold myself up.

I've always hated clichés, so when people told me that there was a "light at the end of the tunnel," "thing would get better," "everything is going to be okay," I wanted to scream. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I constantly fought the urge to resort back to my destructive habits.

I am not here to condone self-harm, but at the time I believed it was the only thing I could do to feel better--to feel alive. I didn't want attention. I just wanted to feel something other than the emotional torture I was putting myself through. I hated myself and those thoughts festered into a lifestyle that was destructive and unhealthy. It's something I still struggle with. I still get depressed.

I still fight my urges to self-harm, but now I know that there are so many other ways to find peace--to cope with brokenness. I go to counseling, I confide in both my parents and friends. I am open and honest with myself. There's another quote by Nelson Mandela that has stuck with me the last few years, " As I walked out the door towards the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew that if I didn't let go of my bitterness and hatred, I'd still be in prison."

I knew if I didn't learn to let go of all the circumstances that led me to where I was, I would never break the cycle. I would continue to live in a constant state of misery. I choose to continue walking towards my gate. I choose to laugh and dance in the kitchen to some seriously funky music. I choose to take it a day at a time.