Most of us have been caught in the gray area between “it hurts” and “it feels so good” at least once in our lives if not more. I know I have. Sometimes it’s emotional. Sometimes it’s physical. We ask ourselves, “Do I stop what I am doing or do I keep going?”
An 8-year-old girl I care for posed that very question to me. One afternoon, she emerged from her room snapping a rubber band on her wrist. Though, I didn’t notice until she came up to me and said, “This hurts, but it feels good, too. What should I do? Stop or keep doing it?”
Her question shocked me and I said, “Stop!”
But she didn’t stop. She said, “But why? It feels so good.”
I pulled the rubber band from her wrist and stared at the red marks along the inside of her arm. She smiled at me, shrugged her shoulders and walked away. The interaction left me with two questions. One, why was are we so quick to tell children to stop harming themselves but so slow to do the same for teenagers and adults? Two, why did I not know how to answer her when she asked, “Why should I stop?”
My reaction to her harming herself was instinctive: Stop! I wonder then, why is it not instinctive to tell a teenager or an adult to stop harming themselves? Strangers and even family and friends who notice self-harm often turn a blind eye. At what point do we stop telling children to not harm their bodies? 13? 14? 15? And why? Why does a child’s body become less important as they age?
It was instinct for me to tell her to stop, but it was not instinct for me to give her a reason why. And then it hit me – I didn’t know why she should stop. I know there are reasons. You could hurt yourself more than you intend. The scars are undesirable. Your family and friends care about you, and they don’t like it. These are all valid reasons to stop self-harming. However, they may not be valid to the person who is self-harming. Or, they may have never been told to them.
The problem is, when someone is told to stop self-harming, they are often not given a reason why. Just as when I told the 8-year-old little girl to stop hurting herself, I did not give her a reason why she should stop. Without a reason, she is more likely to repeat the self-harm. Even if I had given her a reason, it may not have been one that made sense to her or been important enough for her to stop.
The interaction that day left me with many questions and very few answers. Why are we not treating everyone who self-harms with the same compassion and respect no matter their age? And when will we stop saying “stop” and start listening to what the person who is self-harming has to say.
