Grandma,
It was my own fault. I never thought that you would die so soon. Grandma you were supposed to be bionic woman. Everyone seems to have that one relative that they struggle to meet eye to eye with, and you were that relative to me. You drove me crazy. You made me question everything I did. Every time I spoke I had to worry you were going to correct my grammar. Anytime I wanted to wear my hair up, I had to worry about you yelling at me to put it down. You were unpredictable, and I never knew what I was going to do wrong in your eyes next.
Now that you are gone, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy. I was just confused. One day you were here, and the next, with no warning, you were gone. I was in shock because I never got to say goodbye. But, most importantly I never got to say I love you. It took me until your death to realize that all that bickering with me to do this or do that was all out of love. You just wanted the best for me, and I couldn't see it at the time.
I spent my whole life hating you, even wishing you would die to eliminate the pain you were inflicting on me. Once the wish came true, it turned into my darkest nightmare. Grandma, you have taught me more life lessons in the years you have been gone than the 17 years you were with me. The one lesson I have taken to heart so strongly though is to love everyone unconditionally. I was not able to love you like I should have, and I refuse to make the same mistake with anyone else. Your death reminded me that every moment can be the last, so I never take life for granted. I regret not being able to appreciate you the way you should have been. Yes, you was very judgmental, but that was what made you the woman you were.
So, Grandma here is the goodbye that I never got to say. Thank you for pushing me to be my best even when I hated that you were doing it. Thank you for putting up with my snarky comments and eye rolls every time you were just trying to help me. Thank you for continuously making me laugh at myself and the other comments you would say to other people. But most importantly, thank you for never giving up on me. You always saw the best in me, and that is why you were they way you were. I just wish I could have understood that while you were here. Life has a funny way of teaching you life lessons. Sadly, my life lesson came little too late. So, Grandma, I want you to know that I still loved you. I love you now, and forever will. Under all that frustration, I did love you, and I regret every day not telling you. You changed my life for the better, and I will wait for the day that I can tell you all this again.
Love Always,
Erin
