The Goodbye I Never Got To Say
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The Goodbye I Never Got To Say

Those we love don’t go away, they walk besides us every day... unseen, unheard, but always near. Still loved, still missed, and very dear.

The Goodbye I Never Got To Say
courtesy of the author

Grandparents are an essential part of a family. They provide love, guidance, and shelter. We can always count on them to listen to us from their hearts, share their wisdom and lend a shoulder to cry on when we need it most. They are the voice of reason. But once they depart, there is a void in our lives that can never be filled. Losing a grandparent changes your life. For some of us it's a drastic change. To others: they knew it was coming. In my situation, I knew it was coming but I chose not to believe it until reality hit me with the truth.

When my grandmother passed away three years ago I was heartbroken…and I still am. She was a fighter, a survivor, and all around the most beautiful person I knew. She radiated poise and elegance. She made me feel loved beyond measure. I consider her not only the most influential person of my childhood, but of my entire life so far. Every time I saw her she had a big smile on her face, and no matter what was going on in my life she would never fail at making me smile or laugh at everything she said. Her grandchildren were her pride and joy, she always told us the best stories, and had the funniest jokes, and she had my absolute favorite laugh (when I look at a picture of her, I can still hear it in my head). She was the one that we knew, that no matter what we did, we would be making memories with her.

If I could have just one wish, it would be to have her back in my life. But I know that can’t be; if I could go back in time, I would have spent more time with her and I would thank her for everything she did for me. She showed me what a strong independent woman looks like, she taught me to always be strong in my faith and to never lose hope, and for always putting me and her other grandchildren first no matter what. All those summers spent with her meant more to me than anyone will ever know. She was always so happy and outgoing. She was never afraid to talk to anybody and to make new friends. I always wanted to grow up and be like her because she was such an amazing woman, who never gave up on anything.

She always told all of her grandchildren that she was so proud of all of us and everything we have accomplished in our life so far, and she couldn’t wait to see how far we would go and how much we would accomplish. But never did we think that one day she would be gone. She always promised me that she would be there when I walked across the stage graduation day, when I learned how to drive, when I brought a boy home, and even when I went off to college. But she missed all of it because of reoccurring lung cancer and it’s not fair. She would have been 10 years free of cancer, but instead she got the news from the doctor saying that it had come back and it was too late for them to do anything at this point except to make her comfortable. I wish she could watch me grow up and become the woman I know she would be proud of. I wish she could be there to watch me walk down the aisle and be proud of the man God chose for me.

There are still so many questions I want to ask her. There is so much knowledge and wisdom that I feel like I am missing out on.She didn’t deserve to go through that pain and die because as the doctors said “There is nothing else we can do”. But that’s wrong because they didn’t even try to help her, they let her die right in front of our eyes. It was upsetting seeing her in so much pain, and just being so unhappy while cancer was killing her. At this point she didn’t want to be in this world anymore, she just wanted to be gone so she was no longer in pain.

Never will I forget the day my mom and dad came home from visiting my grandmother at the nursing home, and something just seemed off. They called all the kids in the room, and explained that as soon as they got there my mom talked to her for a very short time and then she slipped away peacefully. The moment my parents told my siblings and I that Grandmom was gone, and I lost it. It felt like my heart broke into a million pieces and I didn’t know how to control the feeling. She was the first close family member that I lost, and I didn’t know what to think or say, everyone just looked at each other with tear filled eyes.I cried for what felt like forever and I just kept thinking it was a dream and that I would wake up tomorrow and my grandmother would still be there breathing for just one more day, but she wasn’t; and I no longer had my chance to say goodbye.

Now that it’s been 3 years, that day no longer gets talked about. This was hard for all of us, especially me, I didn’t get as much time with her like the rest of my family did. I’m upset because she is going to miss out on so much of my life. I am also so blessed to know that I will have a guardian angel watching over me for probably the toughest parts of my life. You never realize how fast life goes by and that we don’t get to keep everyone forever. I wish I had more time with her but that’s not what God wants. My Grandmother will always be in my heart. She left a piece of herself with each of her loved ones when she left this earth. Her traditions will go on forever, and her un-selfish love will still roam in our hearts forever. Her love was kind, and never selfish, and I will always remember her!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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