Dear Girl I Was,
I want to start this out by saying, I'm glad you're gone. That's right, I'm glad. You were not someone I am proud of. But, I have to admit that I'm glad you were around because I wouldn't understand how great of a place I am in now. I wouldn't have anything to compare how I feel now to what I used to be if you hadn't existed.
You tortured not only everyone around you. You tortured yourself. Nights of crying for hours on end. Days of hardly any sleep or too much. Hours spent wasting your time on a boy who never loved you. Weeks spent eating hardly anything. Why did you do this to yourself? You let too many people in and got hurt far too often. Girl, you just tried too hard to fit in and be like everyone else. Your flaw was always giving the benefit of the doubt to those who didn't deserve a look from you.
You hurt yourself. You hurt your friends. You hurt your family. Yet you rarely admitted you were struggling with an invisible monster that sat perched on your shoulder. It was too obvious for those who saw you every day but no one ever asked if you needed help. You were to ashamed of something you couldn't control. When you tried to beat it, it seemed to come back stronger than ever. How were you going to ever beat that? You'd be amazed how one day you just flipped the switch and it all got better.
And though I am now stronger than you ever were, I still carry some of your same traits. I struggle to tell how I really feel because we both know we were made to be invalid too many times. I struggle with trusting because of that first boy you gave everything too. I can't get over the attitude we had in the past at times. Some times, your no filter takes over. I still stay silent and shut down when I hear the slightest raise in someones voice. You left me in a place where I hate to see myself in the mirror...
But I have changed.
I know that back when you were around, you wouldn't believe you made it here. I've had some obstacles but I'm actually proud when I look back and see how far I've come from you. I'm happy. Truly happy. I remember the days where you thought that was just a myth because that big, black cloud that hovered over you seemed to never want to dissipate. It did. I'm going to be successful, past me.
Those days you didn't think you would survive, we conquered. The nights where those dark thoughts crept into your mind and tried to control your body, we got through it. And the times you thought you would go nowhere in life? I'm a little late in the game, but we are going places with our life.
I know you would be amazed, curious, angry and awestruck at how far you truly end up coming. Just remember, the me now will be receiving one of these in a few years to come. The comparison will be crazy but I'm so proud now, I can only imagine what I'll be by then.
Thank you for all the difficulties and darkness, the light at the end of your tunnel is far more rewarding that either of us had thought.
Here's to the past.
With love and hatred,
The Girl I Am Now
