I grew up seeing my peers surrounding themselves with groups of people, and if not groups of people than one specific person that they did everything with. I never really had that for a long period of time, I would jump from friend to friend and group to group for a week or so but then find myself steadily by myself; I didn’t dislike it (the introvert in me was throwing a dance party) but I always perceived it as me being a bit socially different than others. As I got older, I realized that friendships seemed to fall apart rather quickly (whether it was my fault or not) and I felt a sort of necessity of having at least one person that I was glued to. Not because I felt scared to be alone (I loved it) but because I didn’t want anyone else to see that I was any different than others. I spent years forcing these relationships with people that I wasn’t quite fond of just for the sake of ‘having people,’ I know awful, right? But I was brought up by society being taught that my importance as a human being is the amount of people that want to be around me, not how much I want myself.
As I entered my first year of college, I realized I was just following the same notion that I have been doing my whole life (forcing these relationships.) I decided to make one of the hardest decisions I had to do for myself, to really look into my relationships and understand which ones I am forcing or the ones that have been built up from pure love and admiration. I cut people out rather rapidly, and couldn’t find the right explanation for just having them understand that I needed some kind of human warmth because I thought the fire inside of me wasn’t warm enough. I was left with the people who understood me deeply and held my hands when my tears wouldn’t stop streaming, the people who understood my sense of humor and accepted my apology when I made a mistake because ultimately they want to watch me grow and be a better person.
I felt alone at first, really really alone. I had to rely on myself for a lot of my own warmth even when it felt like a blizzard in my mind but ultimately it helped me see the type of relationships I need/want in my life. It helped me see the love that I can give to others and how unconditional it really can be, and I don’t have to force to be someone's friend in order to feel comfortable with myself, I can just learn how to be comfortable.If you ever feel curious about the relationships you have surrounding you, do yourself a favor and ask yourself what each person means to you. If you are flooded with materialistic aspects of the person rather than emotional, than distance yourself (in my opinion) and start to be forceful in the types of relationships you need to blossom in your life. Never be apologetic for the things you need and the people you want.