Grocery shopping—we’ve all got to do it. Some of us go after church in our Sunday best. Some of us go late on a Friday night in our favorite sweats and t-shirt. Some enjoy it and turn it into a pleasurable routine, others (me) wait until all the milk is gone and the bread is moldy and there’s no other choice but to make a dreaded trip to the grocery store. Like it or not—we’ve all got to grocery shop.
But the worst part about grocery shopping isn’t having to get out of the house, it's not freezing the entire time you’re deciding between over-priced juice and off-brand cola, it’s not the scrambling to find the right coupon for the laundry detergent you didn’t even need, but had a coupon for, it’s not even paying for the overpriced, over-ripe bananas; it’s running into the people you NEVER want to see in a grocery store.
Grocery shopping is awkward anyways. You have to make decisions on what items you need for you overall existence. Do you need shaving cream? Can you just get by with soap? Do you really NEED five bags of chips? (The answer is YES). You’re pondering these serious, real-life decisions with your whole world exposed in a cart, when you occasionally run into the worst person you could ever see at that exact moment.
In no particular order, here’s a list of the five worst people to possibly run into while grocery shopping.
1. Your preacher/church family
Now that Tennessee has finally caught up with the rest of the country and is now selling wine in grocery stores, grocery shopping has become a little more enjoyable. It’s hard not to smile when you’ve got three bottles of your favorite wine chilling out in your cart with your meats and veggies. You’re in such a good mood (wine. Just think, wine) when you stop and pick up some hygiene products (maybe some tampons, maybe even go all out and pick up some more lube). Just then, when you’ve got everything you need—you round the corner (you’re cart’s got a bum wheel, so this is no easy feat) when you almost crash straight in to your preacher’s wife—jarring your precious wine and causing your tampons and lube to nosily crash into the other side of the cart. Not even Holy Water can save you from the harsh stares of judgement Mrs. Preacher Lady is throwing your way.
Your church family just doesn’t need to see what’s in your grocery cart—it’s one sure fire way to get you to the top of the prayer request list.
2. Doctors
When I’m grocery shopping, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to talk about the things that are currently going wrong in my life. I just want to talk about whether the seasonal little Debbie cakes are in. And I most definitely don’t want to talk about my health. So it’s always awkward to run into any of my doctors while slumming it at the grocery store. For one, I don’t want think about them outside of their doctor’s office (to me, they only exist inside a sterile, cold little white room), and I most certainly don’t want to discuss my health issues while searching for the perfect container of strawberries.
3. Teachers
I know sometimes teachers can become friends, especially once you’ve graduated, but that doesn’t change the fact that I NEVER want to run into a former teacher while grocery shopping. For one, I hate being asked how I am doing. Or “What are you up to now?” Yes, I know I was a child prodigy in English but the sad reality of my life is that I’m now spending long hours selling automobiles and my soul. Just spare me teach, and stalk my Facebook instead of corning at me on the junk food aisle (which, let’s be real, I’m either there or with the alcohol).
4. Former Classmates
Out of all the grocery store foes, I run into this one the most. If I see someone that even looks like someone I may have gone to school with, I make an abrupt U-turn and turn down the next aisle. I just don’t have the energy to pretend that we’re friends or pretend to care how life has been treating us. If we haven’t spoken in five years, I’m definitely not stopping to speak to you at the grocery store, even if we did hold hands on the playground when we were five.
5. Ex’s
Sure, it’s great fun to stalk your ex from safely behind the computer screen (think Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, newspaper wedding announcements—the works). But it’s not so fun to run into them face-to-face at the grocery store. For one, no one makes the impression of “I’m the best thing you ever had” while grocery shopping. I consider it a win if I’m not shopping in my pj’s. You want to be prepared so you can dress to impress when you see your ex, not shell shocked at the grocery store when your cart clearly tells the story that you’re a cat lady that likes to drink wine. Ex’s and grocery shopping are definitely a hard no.
We all have to grocery shop, but that doesn’t mean we always enjoy it. A run-in with any of the people mentioned above is sure to ruin even the best of grocery store runs.
