Only a month into college and the pressure finally hits. The grades from the first set of exams roll in and the numbers hits you deep in your chest stabbing you as your confidence sinks lower and lower as your overall grade follows. It's a time that we've all been there, more then we want, especially it being my first semester of college and the crap that you were able to pull in high school doesn't fly here.

I'll be the one to admit after my first round of exams in 3 classes, I ended up with a C,D+, and an F. Definitely not what I was going for. Crap. Not how I wanted to start the school year. I spent countless hours preparing for these tests, locking myself away for days, just me and flashcards up into the wee early hours of the morning. Only had three meltdowns within the last 48 hours and 5 hours of sleep, but no big deal right?

Failure sucks don't get me wrong, we have so much on the line. Thousands of dollars on the line, and the risk of losing scholarships. For me, it was that plus more. Being financially supported by my parents, I didn't want to let them down; I wanted to prove to them that I could do this all on my own and have the opportunities that they didn't get. But failure follows, and along with it self-doubt follows, with the thoughts "can I do this?" Growing up I've never felt like I was quite good enough academically, as I was never the smartest person in the class and I didn't excel as much as some of my classmates did. I think it's something that I've learned to accept and I carried along with me to college and allowing others to surpass me, and I let it eat at me, making me afraid of tests and grades and general; I was afraid to excel and branch out academically, because I knew that failure would follow, and then I would let everyone and myself down.

After a long phone call with my dad and being honest with the circumstances that I was in, I realized that I can't let the failures that surrounded me identify my worth and the amount I deserved to be here at college. God put me here at this school and in these circumstances for a reason and he didn't stick me here to abandon me to just "figure it out". Okay, I lied, God does want me to "figure it out", but not on my own, and feeling terrible about myself is not leaning on him, that's leaning on myself, and learning from experience, I can't do anything on my own strength. I fought God and pulled away from him and looked to self-doubt instead of my self-worth through him. But he keeps bringing me back and says, "lets try this again, this time on my terms". I have learned that I to stop fighting him and listen to him. Revelation 3:8 says:

"I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name" (NIV).

God has this huge amazing plan for us, and though we can't see it, we have to look to him and keep saying "okay, I'm ready". God is always putting us up to the challenge, and from failure we learn, and we grow closer to him. We are going to fail sometimes, even at college, and As aren't easy to come by. I was letting my failures get to me and it kept me from being happy and enjoying my time at college, but I've now come to realize that I can't let that identify me. My grades show how well I prepared for a test, but what identifies is the plan that God has for me and how I grow through the obstacles that he puts in front of me.

So okay God, I'm ready for your plan.