To the Father that Wasn't There
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To the Father that Wasn't There

Living without a biological father is a struggle that many of us live with.

To the Father that Wasn't There

Hi Dad,

It has been awhile since you have tried to contact me. In fact, I don't even know the last time we talked.

I am doing really well and I am making it a point to tell you that because you deserve to know that I have gotten this far without your help. My grades are great, I work really hard, and I'm at a place I never thought I'd be.

But, despite how great I am doing, I am still sad everyday when I think about you. I cry all the time when you come across my mind. Sometimes I even dream about you, which is the only time I have seen you in years.

I ask myself all the time what I have done wrong to make you feel this negatively towards me. I know I have made mistakes and I was not always so easy to deal with, but I still needed my father. I see girls my age that have a wonderful relationship with their fathers and I feel so mad at myself for being jealous. They probably played dress-up and tea party with their fathers. They probably talk to their fathers weekly, if not daily. I have never done that with you. I never asked you for relationship advice, and you were never the shoulder I cried on during a friend fight or a break-up.

I never had the protection I needed from you. My non-existent relationship with you has caused me to have unhealthy and toxic relationships with almost every boy. I hate putting the blame on you and maybe it is not entirely your fault, but I never knew what it was like to have a male role model in my life, and now I am searching for validation and love from someone else. I now fit into the category of girls with "daddy issues".

All the time, I wonder what my life would be like if you and I were close. If you showed up to every chorus concert, every award I have received, if you would have helped me financially with college. I have worked so hard to get to this place mainly to make you proud and in spite of you, but I am slowly learning to do things for myself because I'm searching for a father in you that might not be there.

I guess I've just always been confused how you can have a child and never think of them, never wonder about them, never miss them. No matter if I become a doctor, an astronaut, the president, I don't think it will change our relationship because some people just do not have that paternal instinct and that's something I have to live with.

I have to live with knowing we may never be close, we may never talk again or see one another, and I will probably never receive a birthday card from you.

But on the plus side, my mother is with a really great guy who loves me and takes care of me. He knows my coffee order by heart, and he runs out to buy me chocolate ice cream when I ask him to. He loves me and sadly, he hasn't been there since day 1, and he can't fix all the damage you've caused, but he tries and that's enough for me.

I'll always love you and have a place in my heart for you, because you're my father. I look in the mirror and I see your nose, your eyelashes, sometimes your smile. But, I'm learning to move on and to stop having expectations for you that you might never meet. I hope you're doing well.


Your Daughter

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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