Chronophobia – the fear of the passing of time or the fear of the future.

I never considered myself a fearful person, especially in regards to my future. I am a planner- I enjoy setting goals and plotting out my path to success. I do my research, I set reasonable timelines for my goals, and I invest in experiences that will get me to Point B.

This ‘Type A’ approach to success led me to Western Michigan University, a large academic scholarship, and several internships in my field of study. All of my “plans” have worked out perfectly. Now I am in my senior year of college and the future is knocking.

Foolishly, I thought I had escaped the questions that plagued me my senior year of high school. Small talk with friends and family no longer concerns my current studies, but my future aspirations:

“What is the next step?”

“What are your plans after you graduate?”

“What do you think you want to do?”

I have a couple of answers prepared for this onslaught of innocent curiosity. I will explain my intention to take a gap year and then pursue a second degree. Or I will delve into a comedic wish to make money and live somewhere other than my parents’ basement. But in all honesty-

I. Don’t. Know.

And that can be terrifying.

I have lain awake at night, dreading my graduation date and worrying about my “next step”. I have spent hours online, reading advice columns “for Millennials” or pouring over the Wikipedia page of someone I admire. With mounting anxiety, I kept looking for an answer, a path, a purpose for the next 5 years of my life.

I know I am not alone. I try to avoid the “What are you doing?” conversations with my peers because I can’t help but assume that they feel the same way. I can’t be the only one that worries about finding their first job or questions whether they are in the right field. I can’t be the only person that has no clue.

I could give you a detailed explanation of what my life will look like when I’m 45, but the next five years is a blank. Who will I be? What will I become?

As I mentioned, these questions used to keep me awake at night. But knowing I’m not the only clueless 21-year-old wandering around gives me a little faith. It gives me the reassurance that I am not the only Millennial that has no idea what they’re doing. I’m not the only one living by the motto, “Fake it ‘til you make it.”

And it’s totally chill.

We all pass through the ‘Seasons of Life’ and some people just have shorter seasons. Michigan has a disgustingly long winter and like Michigan, the confusing or dark or dreary part of your life might last longer than your peers. But summer is guaranteed to come- you will find clarity for your future goals, you will get the phone call saying “Congrats!”, and you will say goodbye to this "Winter Season" of your life.

So the next time a curious adult asks about my 5-Year-Plan, I’ll give them an answer. But that doesn’t mean my future is set in stone. I have no idea what I’m doing and in this uncertainty, I find freedom.

The freedom to dream, to create seven radically different 5-Year-Plan’s, or the freedom to just be. So I will sit in this uncertainty for a few more months. I’ll enjoy every moment I have left and trust that somewhere along the way, I’ll find an answer that I like.

Tuck ‘chronophobia’ into your back pocket and be at ease- you’re not the only one without a clue.