About two years ago I was going into my senior year of high school when I decided to go out for the school’s worship team. I had been in choir for years before then, and even leading worship a handful of times at church before, so I figured I would be a good fit on the team. I auditioned with my sister who was just starting high school. The instructor liked us because we were sisters and our voices meshed well together. Needless to say, we got in. I was the only soprano on the team, and the only senior. I felt kind of special, one of a kind! I had been struggling with my inner demons for years at this point, and I suppose my subconscious tried using worship to chase away the demons. It didn’t work out very well. They were fighters, and they were stronger and faster than I was.

I was in a constant yearning for God to give me something to help me along and maybe even make me feel better. I thought singing worship songs every morning for an hour would help. I remember being really excited on that first day. It was the start of, what I thought, would be the best year of a rough high school experience. We all sat in a half circle made up of chairs and were asked to state our name and musical talent for the team.

“Hi, I’m ___ and I play bass."

“Hey I’m ___ and I play piano."

It was my turn and I remember thinking I HAD to be funny. I didn’t know how to play any instruments, but I decided to go with “I’m Nina and I play the vocal chords." I don’t remember if anyone laughed as much as I did, but I was pretty proud of myself. I just really wanted to make a good impression on, who I thought, would be some of the friends who would make my last year of high school enjoyable.

It wasn’t always easy pushing down the bad thoughts. They often intruded on my worship time. They were vicious and tough fighters. I would be singing about how God is good, how He is greater and stronger, and how He had chosen me and loved me, but I had never felt more disconnected to Him. I remember singing in chapels wanting to cry because I knew, no matter how much I loved Him, sometimes I couldn’t feel Him. I would think to myself, “How are you on the worship team and still depressed? Wasn’t this supposed to be fun and help tame the sadness?” I was the depressed worship leader, and I was ashamed. I felt like telling people that I was struggling would be letting them down. How could I stand up on stage in front of my peers and sing about a divine God that I just couldn’t feel with me? I wanted Him so bad, but the silent inferno within me clouded my mind and made me believe that He couldn’t use me or even heal me.

One day I had just had enough. Between my own depression and anxiety, the loneliness of having no friends anymore, finishing the sports I had loved for my entire high school career, impending college life and “adulting," I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I couldn’t lift anymore. I told my worship teacher that I had to quit the team, or at least drop out and have time to myself for a while. He prayed for me and gave me the okay. He told me I would get credit while I was gone and that I was welcome back whenever I was ready.

I was just so sad. My world felt like it was crumbling between my (then) best friend pushing me away, this fueling my fights with my sister to the point where I physically hated her, my loneliness, the unknown parts of my future coming at me, and my unpreparedness for college, it all felt like nothing would ever be good ever again. I had time to myself and eventually went back to the team a week later.

I remember the team who I was once so close with that we all ate lunch together, was divided. I think they could feel Satan’s presence on me. The half circle grew larger and I sat on the complete opposite side of the room to avoid being close enough for them to see how messed up inside I was. I no longer stayed after class to fellowship, I no longer wanted to spend any more time with them than required for class credit, I had gotten to the point where I began to regret joining worship. All I wanted to do was cry all the time. I only had two moods, sadness and exhaustion.

Aside from worship, I basically struggled with any class that I had to heavily socialize in, like honor choir, chemistry, pre-calculus, and even my sports. I just put on a half effort smile because that was all the effort I even had, and cried my soul out when no one was watching. I was in this deep, dark abyss that no one knew I was in and it felt like no one cared to help me out. I didn’t even know how to talk about it. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I thought I would die in this pit of sadness and disparity, and I had begun to accept that

I was the depressed worship leader who would be stuck in this hole forever. I even began to make peace with my demons and call them my friends. I remember thinking, “I am going to be sad forever. I won’t ever stop crying myself to sleep. My demons are my only friends." I firmly believed that no one loved me enough to care, even God. I was lost and in a dark place, but no one searched for me or gave me a flashlight. I went through it alone. For such a long time I felt worthless and lonely. I still struggle with it. My journey is not over yet.