Someone in my family died two weeks ago. I have only told two people about it. There is nothing from me remembering the person on Facebook or Instagram. I didn’t attend the funeral or the wake. When I was told that this person passed away the world didn’t stop turning and time didn’t stand still. My first thought upon hearing the news was, “This is just the beginning,” and I continued to read my book.

I haven’t seen the person who passed in eleven years and ironically, it was at a funeral. I didn’t know who they were as a person eleven years later and they didn’t know me as who I am now. I don’t see it as anyone’s fault. My family has been growing apart for years. My feeling of indifference about this person’s death is a result of that.

And this is just the beginning. There are at least a dozen other relatives of mine who I will probably feel indifferent towards upon hearing about their death when the time comes. Some of them I have never even met before, others I knew a long time ago. Time passes, feelings change, people grow apart. Of course, I will feel bad about their death, just as I do for this one. But I won’t be destroyed or necessarily sadden by the news.

I know my words sound rather harsh, and I truly don’t mean them that way. But there is no guide or instructions on how to react and feel when someone you hardly know dies. They were blood but yet I have been more broken up upon hearing the news that a celebrity has died. This is a weird situation to be in. I feel wrong for not being upset. I feel like I should be wishing that I knew them better or that I should be reaching out to other relatives that I don’t know and getting to know them better before it’s too late. But I don’t feel the need to do that. I just feel bad because I don’t feel bad.

I’ve been thinking about this feeling for the past two weeks. I have been thinking about what I have wanted to say in this article, hoping my feelings would change or something rather dramatic would happen and suddenly I would have a change of heart. But nothing has changed. This death has only made me think more about mortality and how everyone I know is going to die. How my reaction to people’s death is going to vary from person to person. For the past two weeks, I’ve been trying to come to terms with that. I’ve been trying to reassure myself that it’s okay to not feel sad or angry at every death that occurs. That if I did, I would be living a very melancholy life. I’m trying to accept my indifference about this death and my eventual indifference about other deaths, but it’s not as easy as one would think.

I don’t know how I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way. I think you just feel bad but not for the right reasons. I consider myself to be a good person and as a good person, I want to feel bad about deaths of family members. Instead, I just feel bad for not feeling a certain way.