It's true what they say, "Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad." Teaching me how to ride a bike, taking me hunting and fishing, going to a father-daughter dance with me, drying my tears, showing me how a man is supposed to treat a woman, walking me down the aisle, and just being there for me and loving me. These are all the things my father never did with me and never will do with me. I had to Google "things dads are supposed to do with their daughters" to even finish that list, because that's how deprived I've been of the type of father-daughter relationship that almost everyone else seems to have. Am I jealous? Absolutely. Do I wish things had been different with my father? Of course. But do I wish that he, as the person he is today, would come back into my life? No, I don't.
I've never really been sad that my father hasn't been in my life. Besides, you have to have once had something to know what you're missing when it's not there. This is not to say that there haven't been a few days in the past when he pretended to want something to do with me. If I'm honest, there have been many failed attempts (on his part) at rekindling the father-daughter relationship that we never even had to start with. I don't remember much about when I was little. That was the only time he was ever around at all, even if it was absentmindedly and begrudgingly. However, I remember enough to know that he was bad for us. For my mom, brother, sister, and I, he was the worst thing in our lives. He was abusive to my mother, physically and mentally, he drank too much, did too many drugs, and caused so much emotional turmoil that none of us like to look back on those days.
People hear me talk about my father sometimes and they say, "You should be grateful your father's even alive. Not everyone has a father." But let me tell you this, it would not make a single miniscule bit of difference to my life if he died. Sure, it's a sad thing to say, but it's the truth. He doesn't do anything for me. He's not there for me. He doesn't care about me. We most certainly do not have any type of relationship, whatsoever. If one day he ceased to exist, my world would continue on about its way, unaffected. But let me ask you this, is it really enough that my father's alive when so many others aren't? He's done nothing my entire life but hurt me, lie to me, disappoint me, embarrass me, and show me exactly how I don't want to end up. In all actuality, he's dead to me, anyway. The last time I saw him, he didn't even recognize who I was.
Many years have passed by since my father made an effort to be a part of my life. When I was younger, every time he'd stop by the house for a few hours and make me all these promises and make plans to come see me again the next day, I'd believe him. I'd believe that maybe he had changed, that he actually wanted something to do with me, that I was worth something to him. But every single time, without fail, he'd break his promises. He'd leave me wondering if it was my fault that he didn't care about me, if I was, for some reason, undeserving of his love and attention. The older I got, the more realistic I became about the situation. I eventually realized that our lack of a relationship had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.
If I saw my father today, he'd probably try to fill my head with lies and empty promises. He'd try to make me think that things are different now, but I know better. I often wonder what I would say to him if I was given the chance to say anything. Would I tell him that I now realize he's the one that missed out, not me? Would I tell him that he ruined me.. ruined my outlook on love, loyalty, and honesty? Would I tell him that I don't even get my hopes up about anything anymore because I'm so used to every promise being broken? Would I blame him for my trust issues..because he was the one man in my life that wasn't supposed to walk away from me? Or would I tell him that I sometimes tell people I don't even have a father because it's easier than explaining why he isn't around? No, I wouldn't say any of these things to him. I'd probably leave it at a simple "screw you" and walk away. Because he is not worth an explanation. He is hugely undeserving of my love and attention. He's hugely undeserving of me.
