Well, here it goes…

My greatest fear is not being good enough. When it comes to school, work, or literally anything, I’ve always striven to do my best. Grades and feedback are important, maybe too important. Anything below an “A” or "exceeding satisfaction" is failure.

Lately it’s been a struggle, a constant struggle to write like I used to. It’s been a struggle to do pretty much anything.

I cannot seem to complete assignments or tasks on time. I cannot seem to get excited about going to class or anything related to something that does not require a pillow, blanket, and Netflix. I cannot seem to simply get out of my own head.

You see, there’s a lot to think about. There’s a lot I see and witness and the first thing I do is analyze. I truly have to sit, dig deep, and think about everything from why that car is red to why did God decide to give me another day?

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I constantly think from the moment I get up until I pass out. I feel that I am still over-analyzing while I sleep—coming up with reasons and assumptions to justify life.

Constantly thinking. Constantly allowing things to get the best of me. Constantly allowing things to eat me alive to the point that I have no idea where to even begin.

Why can’t I focus? Why can’t I complete the task I need to in order to succeed and accomplish the goals I wish to reach?

The answer: FEAR OF FAILURE.

It’s rough when such high expectations are placed upon you by family, friends, teachers, bosses, or co-workers. It’s even worse when you put those expectations and additional stressors on yourself.

The fear of failure, the fear of disappointment, prevents me from doing what I need to do and it quite honestly sucks.

I hate that I let my anxious mind take over. I hate that through the anxiety, all I can think about is the pile of things I need to get done in the future on top of the things I need to catch up on. I hate that through the anxiety all I can do is completely shut down and cry in frustration that I cannot do anything because I am a failure, I am not good enough.

I hate that I allow myself to get worked up and stressed about the stupidest things that won’t even matter in the long run.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Is it really going to matter what my GPA was throughout college? Is it really going to matter what I said to someone out of frustration? Is it really going to matter that someone didn’t accept me or like me? Is it really going to matter that it took me extra time to get my degree or find a job? Is it really going to matter? Is this really going to matter?

The answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I am not defined by a number. I am not defined by a person’s misunderstanding or misconception. I am not defined by my degree or job or the amount of money I do not make. I am not defined by stress I allow to percolate. I am not defined by anything of this world.

I am defined by God.

He is in complete control. It is through Him that my anxious mind settles and allows me to breathe. It is through Him I am able to think clearly. It is through Him that I find my peace and comfort. It is through Him I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that these struggles I endure are all for a reason that is beyond my understanding; but I lean to God to get me through it.