I was a big deal for you. I was the girl who came after your first love. She broke your heart and you were in the process of piecing it back together. Little did I know, the tape you used to piece it back together was slowly falling apart.
To the boy who wasn’t ready for me,
Yeah, I said boy and not man because let's be real, out of all of this, you acted like some stupid boy. You weren't emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship, which happens. Yet, you were selfish and only cared about your wants and needs. I was just a distraction to you.
We met by chance. You pursued me, but I made it clear that I'm not just some girl you find when you scroll through your phone looking for a Band-Aid. You still decided to proceed with us. All along you weren't ready for me...
In the beginning, everything was blissful. I was falling for your easygoing personality and goofball demeanor. You made me so effortlessly happy. I felt like I could be my absolute true self when I was with you and that was important to me. In return, I got to see a different side of you that not many people got to see. I felt a true connection. It was hard for me to not care about you.
Somewhere in those few months, that tape mending your broken heart began to fall apart, and your well-painted mask was washing off.
Time went by, and I started to notice your self-loathing was slowly consuming you. You were changing. You were no longer this easygoing person who was constantly lighthearted- you became this reckless and careless person who didn't give a damn about anyone.
I never thought the boy who made my heart feel so whole could easily make it feel so hurt and empty. It's ironic how the person you care for the most will be the same person you'll allow to hurt you the most. You did just that. You knew how much I cared about you.
You knew you could get away with spewing words at me that were laced with venom.
You'd blame it on how you weren’t happy with the person you'd see in the mirror. Guess what? Neither am I. Because this isn’t the carefree and happy man I used to see. Now all I see is a watered down boy who numbs his feelings with alcohol. You continue to drink until you can bare to look at that person in the mirror. Well, that mirror shattered.
All I ever wanted to do was help you and be there. You wouldn't allow it. That was the last thing you wanted, to realize that someone actually cared about you and was not going to leave.
I didn't deserve this. No one deserves this.
Your reopened wound caused you to give me my own personal wound. My wound still aches but at least I'm able to realize every heartache will fade away. Your issue was bigger than me. I found that I couldn't be the one to make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy before you're happy in a relationship.
I didn't think this was rocket science, but if you're about to enter a relationship, you most definitely NEED to ask yourself the following:
1. Am I emotionally available?
2. Am I over my ex?
3. Am I willing to put in the effort?
4. Am I able to communicate my thoughts and feelings in a healthy manner?
5. Am I happy with myself?
If you answered no to any of these, DO NOT proceed with this person. Let me say this again: Do not jump into a relationship if you are not emotionally, mentally, or even socially available for a new relationship. Do everyone a favor and just say, "Hey, I'm not ready."
Otherwise, nothing but heartache will come out of this if you jump into a relationship that you aren't ready for.
Flash forward to today, we don't talk. That's not my fault. I gave it my all, and we both know that you can't say that. I deserve better. Out of all of this, I know I will always care for you even when you don't deserve it.
Blame it on me being a hopeless romantic but...
