This goes out to you, the boy who really had me going. The boy who I thought could be the one I’ve been waiting for. The boy who took my heart with him as he left.

I used to think at night about how lucky I was to have found the boy of my dreams at such an early point in my life. I would think about how we were going to do so many big things with our lives and it was going to be you and me against the world. I was so excited to face everything with you by my side. However, now I just sit in the dark at night and wonder how I could be so stupid. I sit and I wonder about how I’m going to face everything in life without you. I used to rely on you for everything and now I’m just lost all the time.

When you left, I felt a piece of me follow you outside of the coffee shop. I felt like a piece of my soul was just hidden deep in your back pocket. You took me with you and I’m not sure if I will ever get that part of me back. It was the part of me that found it so easy to trust people. From the moment I met you, I thought that you could be trusted. When I found out that you had lied, I put it behind us. I told myself that he’s being honest now and that’s all that really matters, right? I thought I was right until you did it again, but this time you didn’t beg for forgiveness. This time you took full responsibility and looked in my eyes and told me that you didn’t love me anymore. I still can’t go into that coffee shop.

I should hate you. Everyone tells me I should hate you. I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. How do I hate someone who made me happy for such a long time? How do I hate someone who I once thought was more beautiful than the moon? I just can’t do it no matter how hard I try.

No matter how much I am hurting, I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Every night I fall asleep just a little bit faster. Every morning I wake up feeling like I can handle the world on my own a little more. Every day I come a little bit closer to ordering my favorite coffee once again. Maybe all of this means that I will hate you for what you did to me one day. Maybe it means that one day when I bump into you at the grocery store I’ll be able to have casual small talk with you and walk away feeling nothing.

I know that things are getting better because this is the point that I would usually apologize for being so careless. I would apologize in a situation where I did absolutely nothing wrong. All I ever did was love you, no matter how much you hurt me, and that isn’t a bad thing. I’m not going to apologize for being young and in love. I’m not going to apologize for being too young to see the damage you were causing me. It was because of you that I have grown stronger and have learned more about me than I ever thought was possible. Thank you for showing me who I truly am and for helping me understand that I am a strong individual.