It is terrifying. It is something that weighs on me every day. It is something I constantly worry about and cannot help but constantly lose sleep over.

Failure.

Failure is my biggest fear. I am forever agonizing over disappointing not only myself but the people around me. The only thing worse than failing myself is failing someone else; especially if that someone is a person I care deeply for.

This is something I constantly work on; I know that it is not realistic for me to worry about disappointing others but I cannot seem to help it. At all. I find myself fretting over interactions with others: people familiar and new, and wondering if there was some way that I did not live up to their expectation of me. I hate disappointing others and I am very aware that it is impossible to please everyone in this world but that does not seem to stop me from trying.

Failing myself is something that happens constantly; failing someone else is something that never leaves my mind. Disappointing my parents is probably the top concern I have; they have done so much for me in the short amount of time I have walked this planet and I want to pay them back in any and all ways possible. One of those ways is by proving to them that the life choices I make are the right ones; the problem is that I am not always sure if the choices I make are right. How can I prove to them that I am doing the right thing when even I am unsure if it is right.

Failing the people I care about is the next priority: friends, family, patients. The people I care about and the people I care for are always my top priority, so if I do anything that hurts or wrongs them in any way, I get very anxious and nervous. Contrary to what some may think, I would never intentionally harm someone else. That being said, unintentionally harming somebody is a notion that weighs me down every day and plays into my fears and self-doubts. If I hurt someone –– really hurt someone –– I do not know how I could get over it, or really even forgive myself.

Now, rational me knows that I cannot please everyone. Rational me knows that at some point I have and I will let someone down, even without meaning to. Rational me knows this is inevitable.

Irrational me does not.

Irrational me will convince herself to believe that everything will be great all the time. Irrational me hopes that I will never let another person down or hurt/harm someone else in any way.

Irrational me is delusional.

Rational me knows this.

However, know matter how much I realize that some of my aspirations are impossible, my biggest fear of failing myself and more importantly those around never falters