Yep, you read that correctly. Just to clarify: I’m not saying it was easy nor am I saying it is or will be this way for everyone. Breakups are never easy, especially when you are the breakee. The end of my relationship harbored a lot of heavy and overwhelming emotions. Anger. Sadness. Hurt. Confusion. Broken. Every part of me instantly felt scattered. It truly seemed that I could never be pieced together again. I spent the days following that brief, rather shocking, conversation sulking around my house, binge-watching every possible Food Network show I could find, and avoiding any and all social contact. If I didn’t have to work, I probably wouldn’t have even left the house. I thought that this was the dreaded beginning to a relapse in my depression, among other issues. I could feel myself slipping away emotionally, and the lack of sleep and heightened feelings of worthlessness ultimately suppressed my appetite to a far lesser level than healthy. I was on what seemed like an endless freefall.
And then one morning, after many restless nights, I woke up. I woke up that morning and somehow felt different. Not just different from how I had been feeling following the breakup, but actually different from the girl I was before. I had changed and finally I understood. I could finally understand what I had been desperately trying to feel for over a year — a sense of self and a sense of independence. For the year prior I had spent so much time focusing on the wellbeing and stability of my physical and mental health on such a large scale that I had somewhat forgotten to address the emotions that arose on any regular day.
That morning presented me with an opportunity of rejuvenation. I know that this all may sound cliche or exaggerated, but it hold so much truth. Something in me had changed, and although it is still hard to pinpoint exactly what that was, I finally felt like I could take the first (baby) steps forward. The previous weeks had sent me on a rollercoaster ride in reverse, spiraling and speeding down a path that I couldn’t see, but on that morning, I felt like I was finally able to step off and walk in my own direction. I thought that the end to my relationship was the worst thing to ever happen to me (ultimately, it wasn’t), and it was certainly hard to lose my ally and my best friend in a matter of days and two conversations, but that day I realized I was handed a rare opportunity to discover myself as a young woman. I was given the chance to walk forward with no hesitations and to enter the new school year with no reservations. I’ve had the time to realize that the lifestyle I was leading was keeping me stuck in a teenage mindset, and now that I have the opportunity to separate myself from that mindset and the dependency I placed on him to define who I am has allowed me the opportunity to decide this for myself. I want to be a successful young adult, and, for the first time, it finally feels like a goal that’s in my reach.
I can imagine how confusing this sounds, and I wouldn’t blame you for questioning all that I’ve said so far. I'm absolutely still sad when I think about him and how much I miss the sense of comfort our relationship and our friendship gave me. He meant so much to me, and I'll probably feel sad about this loss for a long time. But I have finally realized that life goes on. It really does. YOUR life should not be a reflection of the people with whom you are most closely associated. Sure, it will be influenced by those relationships, but who you are should reflect who you are as a person, including your beliefs and values and your individual knowledge. You may continue on the same path for a very long time or you might find yourself turning down a different path one day with a refreshed perspective and that’s okay, too.
Do you remember the scene at the very end of Monsters, Inc. when Mike reveals the door to Boo’s room that he’s spent months putting back together? Sully can only see Boo again if he replaces the final piece he’s been holding onto since her door was first destroyed. That sliver of the door is the heartbreak, but unlike Sully, you don’t need that little sliver to open the door again. Your door will function just fine without it. And once you walk through that door, remember that you have the power to close the door and walk forward and you absolutely have the power to never look back.
In a recent conversation with a new friend she said, “How can I be with someone else when I don’t even know myself?” Well said, Becky. I couldn't have said it better myself.
