I’ll never forget the day we met. I was young, too young. I was naïve, reserved, and didn’t know what I was dealing with. I was only twelve when we had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting one another. The overwhelming terror that rushed through my body is something I will always have embedded in my mind. I wanted so badly to yell and say, “Leave me alone!” I wanted more than anything to punch and kick until I knew I was. Anxiety is a tricky thing, though. You can’t yell at it and tell it to go away.
Of course you can try, because I sure did. It doesn’t always work. That jerk robbed me of my teenage years. Years I will never get back. Years my friends spent partying, I was cooped up at home with my evil friend who wouldn’t leave my side. When I was younger, my anxiety became so severe that I couldn't go to school, or anywhere for that matter. I couldn’t go to stores; I couldn’t go to family functions, I was afraid to go anywhere there would be a lot of people. My family tried to help me the best they could. We took baby steps together, starting out with the grocery store trying to achieve the goal of making it to the mall without a panic attack.
I suffered so badly and became so depressed I needed to see a therapist. I didn’t want to. I felt like a psycho freak. I hated feeling different than my friends and peers. I didn’t know anyone else my age that had the same problems, but I wish I did. I wish I knew there were other people my age going through the same thing. I felt like such an outcast. My therapist helped me with my anxious issues quite a bit. I didn’t tell anyone I went there, only my family knew.
I'm putting it all out there now because mental health is a serious issue, and I want all teenagers, children, and adults to know that even though it may feel as if you're the only one struggling, you're not. I so badly wish that I had known that there were lots of people like me back then. I wish I knew that anxiety is something that harbors itself in the minds of millions of people. I wish I knew that I wasn't anxiety's only victim.
Today I am a senior in college. I have come such a long way since those horrid days of tears and depression. I still get nervous about speaking in front of others, I still have a fear in the back of my mind that people are thinking negatively of me, but there is one thing that has changed. I’ve learned to ignore the voice in my head that feeds me negative thoughts. I have learned to accept myself the way I am and that I might have some restrictions others don’t. I’m still growing and becoming stronger every day.
I finally broke up with anxiety, and I don’t plan on reuniting. So for anyone going through the hell that is anxiety, know that you can set yourself free. Anxiety is not who you are. All it is is a bad relationship, and once you realize you're stronger than that you'll breakup with anxiety, too.
