People often find themselves ashamed to talk about their failures and what caused them to fail. In my journey I am no longer ashamed to talk about them anymore because I have found the strength that I needed to get my self back to where I am at today... home.
When college selection time came around during my senior year of high school I had no idea on where I wanted to go or what I wanted to study. Up until I discovered Saint Mary-of-the-Woods I was sure I was not going to college. That ultimately changed when I met an admissions counselor from The Woods. Instantly after talking to her and doing my research on the college I knew I had to go here. Something in my heart was drawing me to this campus. We often speak about providence and how we found our home here at The Woods and that is something I truly believe in. When I walked onto campus to schedule my classes that was the first time I had ever seen this campus in person. I had my avenue moment just like hundreds of girls before me and I instantly felt like I belonged there. A few weeks later I moved into room 310 and started my college career.
I look back now and I did not realize how unprepared I was. I struggled and I struggled hard. I can honestly admit that part of my failure was that I did not know how to be a good student. My study habits were poor and my testing anxiety was even worse. But that was just the beginning of my struggles. During my time here at The Woods my family was facing some serious changes and I did not have to proper coping skills to handle that. I became extremely depressed and started binge drinking on a regular basis to cope with my problems. The side effects of that was I was missing class and not doing the work I needed to be doing to become successful and I take complete responsibility for that. I had resources available at my finger tips to help me succeed but I was to ashamed to ask for help. By the time my first semester ended I knew I was going to be placed on academic probation. I made some serious life decisions during winter break and I came back in January a different student ready to take the bull by the horns and do what I needed to succeed.
When I look back at the first couple weeks of my second semester I was performing better. I was pulling a B average in almost every class. But that changed February 25, 2015. I had been in a relationship with somebody since October of 2014 and let me tell you I believed I was in love. One night he came to campus to visit me and took me to dinner with my two best-friends. Everything was going great until we got back to campus. I am not going to go into grave detail, but he assaulted me. You can imagine what that did to me emotionally. I did not get out of bed for almost two weeks; I was not showering, eating, or going to class. I had given up completely and did not care what happened to me or my future. When move out day came I knew that I was not going to be returning to campus that August. A few short weeks later I received the letter stating that I had been academically suspended. I was unsure of what to do now that my college career was finished I had a part time job and was living paycheck to paycheck.
In deciding I wanted to come back to SMWC there were steps I need to take within my own life to become happy with myself. In October of 2015 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD. Since that day I have been working with my therapist and taking daily doses of medication to help me learn the skills I need to cope when life gets overwhelming. Having to relive the most awful time in your life in therapy is absolutely terrifying, but it has gotten my to where I am today.
With the support of my family and my friends I am writing this article from my dorm at Saint Mary-of-the-Woods College. When I came back a month ago I walked onto campus a completely different person. I am no longer ashamed of the things that happened to me. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I failed. I am no longer ashamed to ask for help if I need it. I know this article became very emotional, but I can only hope that somebody who is going through a similar situation opens this and asks for the help they need.
So in the end I leave you with a few words of encouragement. Its not about how hard we fall; its about how we pick ourselves up after.
