- I was never popular in high school, yet, everyone knew me.
- I wasn’t a track stud but I held records in multiple events and lettered four years for winter and spring.
- I was by no means a part of the Honor Roll club, but I was not an average student either.
- I am not gay, but there is no way in hell that I am straight.
And those are only four aspects of my life where I find myself as the awkward in-between.
I don’t even know where to start. I’m deciding between talking about track and my sexuality… Sorry this is going to be, as my high school English teacher said, my “stream of consciousness” but I’m barely conscious because, well, I’m a college pre-med student-athlete.
Anyways… Okay, let’s start with my whole dilemma of being the awkward in-between for track. As I said before, I am not a stud but I’m nothing to pass up. But, I go to a NCAA Division I college, so I am no shining star here. I wasn't recruited by Delaware but I practice with the women’s varsity team every day and have developed a relationship with the coach and team to a point where I am basically on the team. I spend most of my time with the girls on the team, and run the same workouts with them, and wow… I actually keep up if not passing other recruits. I don’t get the glory, yet, of saying I am a Division I track runner. I don’t get to have all the shiny new shoes that the rest of the girls get, along with a plethora of Adidas brand UD apparel. I don’t get to lift with them or get treated by the athletic trainers or even get my own academic advisor because I am not technically on the varsity team. So, for now, I am that awkward in-between of being on the club team and the varsity team.
Sexuality. This topic has always confused the shit out of me. I can spend a whole night thinking about who I want to see at the end of the isle of my wedding. Wait. I can’t talk about this yet. Too serious.
Okay! So I don’t have a group of friends to call my own yet, but wherever I go I know someone and they know me. Actually just twenty minutes ago, I was in the dining hall and someone came up to me saying, “Hey Chloe! How are you?” and I had no idea who she was. I’m not popular but I am not a girl who blends into the background. I stand out. I’m energetic and outgoing. I don’t mind not having a group of friends, other than my team, but I sometimes wish I had that solid group of friends everyone else seems to have. I will always have my teammates because they're forced to be around me. In high school, my friends ranged anywhere from the geekiest people to the most popular guy in the school. Because of this, I never found my friend group because I was awkwardly in-between each friend group. This inevitably isolated be from social events and man were my summers boring.
I guess that brings me to my academic life. I go to a great school. The University of Delaware is everything I ever thought college would be. It is challenging, but not too challenging to the point I’m drowning in work. I am a Medical Diagnostics major, also known as one of the hardest majors in the university. I know. I’m crazy. You don’t have to tell me that. So obviously, I’m pretty damn smart if I'm in this major to pursue a career in medicine. Watch out kids, I’ll be the ones putting your bones back into place. But, I never made it onto the Honors Roll list…
Okay… It’s time. My sexuality… I’m not straight. But I’m not sure if I’m gay or bisexual. Senior year I came out as bisexual and it was one of the most relieving moments of my life to come out… But now that I’m in college I’m thinking the feelings I’m having are just getting gayer and gayer by the day. I find myself saying “oh he’s attractive” or “he’s cute” but then I go and say “WOW that girl just took my breath away.” And, if I’m being honest… I connect emotionally with girls a million times more than I do with guys… But I do physically like both females and males. I absolutely hate being unsure about this again. UGH! So I’m just here, awkwardly in-between bisexual and gay.
How awkward is all of this?
