I used to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I thought that in order for people to like me I had to be like my friends. I had to wear the same clothes, have the same attitude, and like the same things. The toxic relationships I chose to keep in my life caused me to lose myself. I lost the person that I was destined to become and instead chose to be mediocre in order to fit in with a crowd who in the long run, caused more damage to my self-esteem than good.
People always used to tell me that "college would change me" and I would just laugh. At the time, I didn't think I needed to change. I am the type of person who hates being wrong. Most people in my family will tell you that. I am very happy that I was wrong about this one. I remember the very moment I knew that I was wrong. I was down at my family's restaurant and my boss told me how proud she was of me. She said I looked happier. Instead of standing in front of her a carbon copy of the people I was surrounded by in high school, I was someone that both she and I hoped I would become.
It wasn't an easy path to go down. I wasn't strolling through the journey with smiles and laughs. I cried in my bed most nights as I drifted away from friends I knew weren't good for me. I felt alone and scared because I could no longer hide behind the identities of other people. I had to find myself and not be the person everyone wanted me to be.
I journaled a lot and still do to this day. Although it was hard for me to articulate my feelings to someone else, writing them down on paper came with ease. I found myself writing for hours. I wrote about little things. Whether it was the fact that I talked to someone new in a class or tried new foods, it was written down. Becoming more in touch with my inner thoughts and feelings made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Being surrounded by good people makes a world of difference. Those I call my friends now are some of the most genuine people that I have ever met. I never feel like I can't be my true self around them. They accept me for who I am. No matter if I am happy or sad or in a bad mood, there is never a day that goes by where I feel alone or unloved by them. During this journey, I found it is important to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. I am surrounded by people who never fail to make me laugh, send me songs they know I will like and give me the biggest bear hug whenever I need one. To those of you reading this, you mean more to me than words could ever describe.
Going into my senior year of college, I am happier than I have ever been. I smile often and cry less. I no longer make choices that only benefit others. I take time out of my day to do something for myself. Don't get me wrong, there are rough periods. There are times where I feel like I have lost myself. There are times where I let my anxiety get the best of me. But the key to bettering yourself is admitting that something is wrong and admitting that you want to change. The art of finding yourself is a long and tedious journey, but worth every second.
