After numerous counts of heartbreaks, aches and an abundance of humiliation, I finally stumbled upon an unfortunate epiphany, or just a sad realization if you would rather. Inevitably, I assumed there had to be something fundamentally wrong with me. I ran into “I just don't see it going anywhere” and "I'm just not ready for commitment" a lot.

I was sick of winning but never receiving my prize. I tried so hard but all along it wasn’t me. I poured everything I had into an individual and I was left empty.

Within my epiphany, I had a few options, go home and drown my tears in some Ben and Jerry's, go block him and delete any of his existence or do what I do best, write.

Wallowing in my pity, running through my mind and rummaging through old text messages I still could not wrap my head around how I could be continually stuck in this cycle of doomed lust.

I was undeniably perfect for his cookie cutter life. My friends were his friends, I don’t not only like sports--I know sports, I offered him stability and confirmed social gatherings to satisfy his tedious tendencies. We were the perfect match, but matches burn.

I dared not to burden him with any of my further expectations, desires or any association with exposure of vulnerability or loss of power. I fed his ego as he ripped mine to pieces and the silliest part, I thought that I was finally a destination.

Now I am left. Everyone gets to continue living their lives, as I sit here humiliated with all eyes facing me. What is my next move? The waves that are rushing in my brain are seen as calming through my eyes, everyone else can see the storm but I couldn't predict my own shipwreck.

The reality that we are writing chapters that neither of us will be apart of is the hardest pill to swallow. Because I never needed a role, I didn't want a page I just needed a little validation that I had an empowered force in your everyday life, I made you happy to wake up in the morning, my name puts a smile across your face and whenever you hear my favorite song you still think of me.

When you left you took my smile with you. But when you and my smile left, my sanity came back...along with my need for acceptance and my fear of rejection. Maybe my reserved personality is what you didn’t see fitting in your cookie cutter life, maybe I should have challenged you to get out of your comfort zone, maybe my low maintenance was mistaken for low ideals, maybe I should have done a lot of things. I can't point my fingers and expect my hands to be clean. I already apologized for my weaknesses, I apologized for how I reacted when you broke my heart but you never apologized for the damage that you caused. I admitted my wrongs and tried to move on but it is your turn.

I always thought that time would be kind to us, more often than not I can find myself waiting for that comfort that isn't going to come, it is a hard hit of betrayal when someone you once thought of as your home finds a new place to hang their heart. Because when you told me that you didn't want a relationship, what you really meant was that you didn't want a relationship with me. I could list all of the things that I am that she is not, but where will that get me? It won't get me an apology, it won't give me closure, it won't win me my prize.

There is a fine line in between determination and desperation.

It is time to quit drowning in this endless cycle because sometimes, somethings that are dead are just better off left buried.