Okay, so we've all been to the gym and everyone there is just wearing cheap shorts and a t-shirt that they got at some job fair that wouldn't be fit for a barbecue. Everyone in these gyms is so dressed down and wearing utter trash that makes it seem like you don't even want to bother going. This is why I'm suggesting a new type of gym, a gym that takes itself seriously and doesn't go by some punk nickname. I'm suggesting a James.
These James would obviously have a valet out front and would be lucratively furnished on the inside. I'm suggesting large crystal chandeliers, red curtains, and like those fancy stairs that go in circle rooms and there are stairs on both sides that meet up in the middle so that someone important can look down from the balcony at you. Are they a potential good guy, villain, lover, who knows, but it'll be incredible.
The James dress code would be strictly three-piece tuxedos or obnoxiously large ballroom gowns. Any person attempting to run in shorts or garage sale t-shirts would immediately be challenged to a duel by various members of the establishment until they either are incapable of returning or all James members are deceased. Now why many members may feel that this is an extreme way to go about keeping a dress code, extreme costs must be taken in the face of extreme odds. If we even slip up and let a man wear a two piece tuxedo, God forbid a one-piece tuxedo, this will lead to a slippery slope that will cause our entire James to fall into complete disrepair.
Now obviously we can't be serving Gatorade or water at these types of establishment, so various waiters will be walking around with trays of champagne which is the perfect refreshment after a four-mile run. Treadmills will obviously be powered by coal like on the Titanic, which is, of course, the most elegant source of power. The weights themselves will be listed from various metaphorical weights from the fact that your Audi has terrible resale value all the way to the fact that your immense money will never make you happy, but you will put all of your efforts into it anyway instead of spending time with your family which will ironically trap them into having the same crippling emotional state as you and carrying it on for generations. You know, relatable things.
So while we already have our sites aimed at downtown L.A., the construction hasn't started and we could use your help. Even if you don't live in Orange County, a helipad will be on the roof for your convenience. To raise the money we have begun selling high-risk bonds (Like in Wolf of Wall Street, how cool is that!?!) that will be available for purchase immediately. Just go to your stockbroker and ask for him to place twenty-five pounds of cubic gold in bonds towards L.A.'s premiere Jamesnasium. We'll see you soon!
