If your family is like my own, you too have been told from birth that every Sunday you had better get your butt to church. The purpose of going to church is to take time out of your week to spend time with God. However, more often than not I find myself distracted by a group of key players who always seem to make an appearance every Sunday, regardless of what time of the day or year it is.
1. The small, screaming, delinquent children.
You can spot them the second they walk through the door with their five siblings, pregnant mom, and dad. Their hair is usually unbrushed, their clothes may be on backwards or twisted at some odd angle, and they may even have remnants of breakfast splattered across their face. No matter how old these kids are, they all share one thing in common -- from the second they set foot in the church, they are screaming, throwing stuff, and crying. It’s as if the sheer notion of staying in this building for the hour-long service is the worst time out they have ever received.
You can’t focus at all on what your pastor is saying because you are too distracted by Suzy two rows up biting her brother Johnny while Betty Lou cries. And the parents? Forget the notion that they might be any help. They are either so exhausted from dealing with the gremlins on a 24/7 basis that they just let the chaos unfurl, or they have decided their children are just “spirited, little angels who are just expressing themselves.” Control your children, people!
2. The rebel teen.
This churchgoer is definitely not at church willingly. Two years ago, you remember this kid to have been one of the nicest in the bunch, someone who was always willing to help with a bake sale or lead a prayer group. Now they only wear black to church, never smile or make direct eye contact when you try to talk to them, and refuse to say any of the prayers. Everything is “lame” or “stupid,” and they are trying really hard to let you know that this whole religious thing is just too good for them.
3. The over-the-top squad.
This family is almost too perfect. Every Sunday they sit in the exact same pew, and they always arrive at church no later than fifteen minutes before the service begins. They participate in every clothing drive, fish fry, and church event possible, and they are well-known for the disapproving stares they bestow upon every person so unfortunate to walk by them. They want everyone to know just how amazing they are as churchgoers at all times. Yikes.
4. The zombies.
This type of churchgoer is really trying their best to make it to church every Sunday. However, without fail each week some inconvenience makes itself known, and this person is consistently about 15 minutes late for church. These churchgoers are usually quite sleep-deprived and cling to the back walls of the church, afraid to walk to a pew for fear of being judged for their tardiness. On the off chance this person is actually on time for church, he or she is stunned to discover there is a part of the service they had no clue actually existed, a.k.a. the beginning of the service.
5. The fashionistas.
Straight off Project Runway, this churchgoer is stylishly dressed without fail every Sunday. In their book, jeans are not good enough for God. They usually present themselves in families, with the guys wearing sport jackets and chinos while the girls wear little dresses (with sleeves of course) and heels. Church is not just a place of worship for them. It’s the perfect opportunity to show off that new outfit they got on sale from the mall!
6. That awkward priest whose name you can never remember.
He’s nice, almost too nice. He tries to crack a few jokes during every sermon he says, but somehow none of them ever really seem to get laughs. You really, really want to understand what he is preaching about, but nothing he says every really makes sense. For all you know, one minute he could be talking about Jesus, and the next he could be mentioning how to fix a flat tire. There is never a climatic moment in his sermons where everything clicks, leaving you baffled if he even was talking about Jesus during the last twenty minutes.
7. The rows and rows of judgmental senior citizens.
They usually travel in packs. You can feel their eyes on your back with every step you take up the aisle as you try and find a seat. They usually have completely taken over the two sections of pews closest to the doors, and somewhere in the sea of walkers, canes, and perms, you are almost positive you saw your grandparents. They are very comfortable about making their feelings known and will “whisper” to one another about anything they disapprove of during the service.
8. That cute guy or girl you always say you're going to talk to.
You may have never had a conversation with this person, but you are absolutely convinced that it’s love at first sight. Come on, he or she always smiles at you when you walk past him or her when you go up for communion! This person is a distant family friend, and you keep telling yourself that one of these days you are going to make the first move, fall in love, and have a picturesque wedding in this very church. Have you actually done that? Nope. But, hey, it’s fun to dream.
9. The Christina Aguileras.
This person literally knows every word to every church hymn that has ever been written in the history of music. He or she looks at church as an opportunity to show off just how amazing his or her voice is by belting out every verse of every song. No skipping the Latin verses for this person!
